Five years ago I was 21 years old and my life was….cool.
I’d just started my own fabulous dream job, rented a chic apartment in the inner city, spent my Saturday nights partying with my friends, used my largely disposable income to deck myself out in designer clothes, never had to watch my weight, wasn’t tied down by anything or anyone and had relatively no health issues at all. I was yet to be burned in life, my friends were all hipsters, boys bought drinks for me in bars and I knew if I got into any real trouble my parents would just bail me out.
Today I’m 26 and things are pretty different.
To begin with I have a mortgage now. For a year I struggled to pay that mortgage and all of my bills while I lived alone in my newly acquired house. I nearly hit rock bottom. Three years ago my boyfriend (now husband) moved in. Sure, it meant I had someone to share my bills. But we’ve been through some really tough times financially and emotionally. My fabulous job was ripped away from me through no fault of my own when my employers unexpectedly closed their company. I was one of the lucky ones – I found a new job at the university where I studied as an undergraduate but I had to take a $30,000 a year pay cut (no more designer clothes!).
I also have a myriad of health problems now and I’ve had surgery twice in the past five years. I spend half of my life in doctor’s offices but keep hearing them say things like “sorry I can’t help you” and “well aren’t you just a medical mystery” which is increasingly frustrating. I also have to watch my weight now. After my second round of surgery last year I put on 14kg. I’ve managed to lose 8kg but have another 6kg to go. I’ve also started studying a masters degree to improve my employment prospects. Postgraduate study is more stressful than I imagined it would be.
But somehow life is also good now – life is better now. I’ve learned to appreciate the simple things in life. My husband and I love each other and our puppy Arnold. We feel like we’re ready to start a family now.
It’s exciting when you realise you’re ready to bring a child into the world. It makes you feel loved, loving and powerful. I became extremely excited about the prospect of feeling a life growing inside of me, knowing we had created it from and through our love.
But our journey has so far been nothing but stressful. There are so many hurdles and obstacles standing in our way. I can only talk to my husband about them so much before I know he will start to go insane.
I can’t talk to family and friends about my problems because most of them don’t even know about most of my health issues – they’re embarrassing and personal. I also don’t want to tell people and have them constantly asking “are you pregnant yet?” because I have an awful feeling this is going to take a long time or maybe won’t happen at all. I don’t want people to congratulate me and then miscarry. I don’t want this to be a public battle at all. I want to do it privately, with my partner.
But I also need someone to talk to about my problems. Even if that someone is actually no one. By allowing myself to anonymously write these words on this blog I am freeing myself and taking a heavy weight off my own shoulders. This blog is my emotional outlet and will track every step of my journey to becoming a parent from here on out.