There’s good news and bad news to share.
The good news is we have a clear picture now of my medical issues and are able to make plans accordingly.
The bad news is that I will have to have another round of surgery before we start fertility treatment. The ultrasound showed my endometriosis has grown back and the doctor wants to perform a needle diathermy on the cysts on my ovaries. The doctor wanted to perform the surgery on me straight away so that we can get started on fertility treatment, but I could tell by the look in Doug’s eyes that something wasn’t right.
“How about two weeks from now? Does that work? I can do the surgery on a Wednesday?” the doctor suggested.
“I……have a big meeting that day and can’t make it.” Doug said nervously.
“That’s ok.” I smiled, patting my husband on the leg. “My mother can take me to the hospital and stay with me.”
“No no I need to be with you.” Doug insisted. “This is important to me.”
“Ooookay….” the doctor said, leafing through his diary. “I can do November 12th. Does that work with your schedule?”
“Yes.” Doug said, though I could still see he was unsure.
On the drive home from the clinic in the car, he confessed to me that this whole thing has freaked him out. Trying to start a family was meant to be fun and exciting. It was going to involve loving each other and creating a baby from our love. Suddenly we were staring down the barrel of more surgery and then fertility treatment. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. That wasn’t what he wanted.
I became upset, stressing that this was our only chance to have the family we wanted. Fertility treatment was no one’s idea of the perfect situation but it was the only thing possible for us because of my medical issues. It made me feel responsible for Doug’s sadness, and even worse it was something I hadn’t intentionally caused. My medical problems were completely out of my control.
I tried hard not to cry and we drove the rest of the way home in silence. I tried to think of a reason why he was acting the way he was. The semen analysis had showed he had morphology issues, but his sperm count was normal. I wondered if that diagnosis could have been causing his sudden change of heart. Up until this point everything had been about me, my problems, my weaknesses, my lack of ability to get pregnant. Now maybe it was also his problem, his weakness and his lack of ability to get me pregnant that had led us to seek fertility treatment.
The next day he came to me with a compromise. He said he understood why I was upset and stressed that he really did want to start a family. He admitted he couldn’t imagine a life without children in it, and if we had to have fertility treatment then so be it. But what he also needed was time. Time to adjust to our new reality, time to prepare himself mentally, emotionally and physically. He needed time to come to terms with everything.
We agreed to a compromise. I would give him until the end of the year to “prepare” and then after that it was full steam ahead. He seemed extremely receptive to the compromise. I explained that once we hit 2013 I wasn’t going to give him “more time to adjust” because this was a path we were on together and he had to understand my body was only going to fail us more the longer we left the endometriosis and cysts to grow.
So I’ve changed the date of my surgery to January 8, 2013.
In the meantime I’m going to try and keep fit and healthy and focus on my work and university studies to take my mind off the seemingly endless wait. The important thing is that Doug and I are still on the same page, still want the same things and still love each other. As long as we remember that, we’ll be fine.
I’ll keep you updated.