Today was a bittersweet day, and not only because it is valentine’s day.
I woke up this morning to find a text message on my phone from my sister-in-law Jessica. It was a picture of a clearly positive pregnancy test accompanied by the words “our valentines day surprise!”
My stomach dropped and I felt like the air had been knocked out of my lungs. Hot tears burned my eyes, even as I willed them to go away.
Jess and her husband Rory (the ones who got married in September last year when I acted as bridesmaid) have only been trying to get pregnant for 3 months. And they’re already having a baby. Make that another baby because they already have a one year old.
Don’t get me wrong I was happy and excited for her, but also devastated for myself. It was a slap in the face. An awful reminder that Doug and I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and now I was in the middle of excruciatingly painful IVF injections and here she was – pregnant.
Jess doesn’t know we are going through IVF but I had hinted last year that we were trying to conceive. I was actually a bit surprised by the insensitivity of her text, especially as I had casually mentioned I was getting too many positives on OPK sticks about 7 months ago and I thought something might be wrong with me.
I quickly texted back congratulations then jumped in the shower so that Doug couldn’t see me crying.
We did a very understated valentine’s day this year. Doug drove to my workplace (I work at an inner city university campus) and we had lunch at a nearby cafe. He gave me a single red rose and a box of chocolates which I loved. I gave him a bunch of beetroot (an inside joke and a dig at the fact he is a health freak).
When we got home in the evening we found Arnold our 11 month old toy poodle puppy was very ill and vomiting everywhere so we had to rush to the vet. It shook me. I love Arnie like a baby. In many ways he is my replacement/substitute baby. I would be inconsolable if anything ever happened to him.
Thankfully the vet thinks he is merely suffering from a doggy virus and sent us away with anti-nausea medication and some antibiotics.
And to make the day even worse I had to have another orgalutran shot tonight. As I lay on the couch writhing in pain I couldn’t stop thinking about Jess and how at that very same moment she was no doubt celebrating her pregnancy with Rory and so full of hope about the future.
I wish I felt the same way.