The news I expected

I had blood drawn at 7am this morning, and got the phone call with results at 1pm.

The pregnancy hormone in my blood indicates I am pregnant, but the levels are quite low.

The doctor was initially hopeful that the pregnancy would progress as normal,  as every woman is different and some start out with naturally low levels. He tried to tell me this isn’t a sign anything is wrong. Until I explained the disappearing pink line on the pregnancy test. Now he is concerned I am either having an early miscarriage (technically a chemical pregnancy up until the 5 week mark) or an ectopic pregnancy.

He wants me to wait until Monday then have more blood drawn. The numbers need to triple to show the pregnancy is still viable.

I am going to Sydney this weekend for university. It’s too late for Doug to book flights and I’ll be in an intensive workshop from 8am until 6pm every day so he won’t be there to hold my hand anyway. I have to go alone.

I am absolutely terrified that I will miscarry and start to bleed by myself, either in the hotel room or in class. And there is nothing I can do about it.

The good news is, my sister-in-law Jess had a scan today and her baby is fine and healthy.

Maybe I’ll get that same news on Monday.

Maybe my baby is still healthy.

There’s still a chance, right?

Nemo is my one egg. My one shot at this.

I’m just not ready to give up yet. I just can’t.

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