The grossest thing you’ll ever read on wordpress

I’m a big believer in not tagging my blog posts “TMI” or “don’t read this while eating dinner” or anything similar because, well, it’s my own blog and I’ll write what I wanna write. But this blog post is the exception that proves the rule. Do not read this if you don’t want to be utterly grossed out. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

First off I need to give you guys some context. My husband and I are currently living with my parents. I mentioned previously that we were looking to sell our house (you can read about it here) and although I had to juggle the flu and pneumonia while scrubbing the house from top to bottom for open home viewings, we ended up selling our house last month for a fantastic price that was above our expectations. The only catch that came with the amazing price tag was a super short settlement period. The moment the contract was signed, to the moment we handed over the keys was only 14 days in total. We weren’t banking on being outta there so quickly!

Luckily the same week our house sold we came across a house in our new search area that ticked all of our boxes. Four bedrooms (master bedroom with huge walk-in-wardrobe = big tick!), three bathrooms, multiple living areas, pool, large flat backyard for the [future] kids to play, close to good schools and only 5 minutes down the road from my parents (ahem, free babysitting!). It’s not the world’s fanciest house and it needs some minor renovations and a lick of paint but it was absolutely perfect for us. We were super excited when our offer was accepted and the house was ours! Only problem was, the current owners have 3 small children so they asked for a lengthened settlement period to give them extra time to pack and move out.

It meant there was a gap of 5 weeks between the two houses settling, and because short term rentals are ridiculously expensive and don’t allow dogs, we had no choice but to temporarily move in with my parents. So we crammed ourselves into this tiny house, shoving boxes in every available space, and filling the garage with our furniture. To make matters worse, my brother moved home to Melbourne at almost the same time, having previously been working in a hospital up north. So he also temporarily moved in with my parents. Five adults and two dogs co-existing in a house with one bathroom? Never a recipe for fun.

Anyway, now you know the context I can get on with my story. Last night I was sitting in the living room watching television with my mother, brother and husband when I suddenly felt a gush between my legs. I realised immediately that the flood gates had opened and jumped up out of my chair. To my horror there was blood all over the back of my pants. Before anyone could react I shrieked and ran into the bathroom, which was thankfully unoccupied.

I stripped off all my clothing and jumped into the shower. As I was cleaning myself off, I noticed a weird lump on the outer section of my vulva, on the lower section of my outer lips. It sort of felt a little like a bite or a pimple, but I don’t ever get pimples in that area.  I stopped the water running and put my leg up on the edge of the tub so I could get a better look at the lump. To my surprise it was a huge dark purple raised up blot, maybe the size of my index fingernail. I had never seen anything like it in my life.

I didn’t really know what to do, so I pressed down on the lump. I was shocked to see the lump get even bigger and more purpley. Then I followed my natural instinct and squeezed it. There were a few seconds of tension, then an audible pop and a quick release of pressure.

Suddenly my hands were soaked in blood. The blood gushing from the lump mingled with the blood gushing from between my legs and in a matter of moments there was blood everywhere. Period blood is a mixture of a number of bodily fluids and actually doesn’t contain much pure blood, but the blood pouring from the lump was fresh blood, and that sweet metallic blood smell filled the room and made me so woozy I almost passed out.

Of course my reaction was to start shrieking again and calling for my mother. But it was my husband Doug who was quickest to react and he came tearing into the bathroom. Even after many years as best friends, and then years as something more, and now years as a married couple, I still wasn’t prepared to let him see me covered in a mixture of vulva lump and period blood.

“No! No! No!” I screamed, apparently reverting to my childhood self. “Get out! I want my mother! Bring me my mother!”

Without pausing for clarification, Doug rushed back out and shut the door. Moments later it opened again and my mother appeared, but I could still see my husband standing nervously behind her in the hallway. My mum suffered from severe endometriosis and had an emergency hysterectomy in her mid-30s. so I feel very comfortable sharing anything with her, including period problems. She took one look at me and closed the door behind her.

“Mum!” I sobbed. “I have a huge purple lump on my vagina and it’s bleeding everywhere!”

“You have a what?” she asked carefully.

“A PURPLE THINGIE ON MY VAGINA!”

“Ok.” Mum said, still very calm. “Let me see it.”

I sniffled up my tears and tilted my body so I could show her the huge purple lump from which blood was still flowing freely.

“That’s a huge blood blister.” she said matter-of-factly.

“A what?” I gasped.

I’d never heard of a blood blister before or had one on any part of my body, let alone my friggen vagina. I was horrified.

“You probably shouldn’t have popped that.” Mum said. “But don’t worry you’ll be fine. Why do you have a blood blister on your vagina?”

“I don’t know!!” I squealed. “I just don’t know!!”

Mum had her phone with her, so we consulted Doctor Google. It turns out blood blisters aren’t uncommon in the late stages of pregnancy as the baby is pressing down on the vagina and blood becomes trapped. We also found that it is possible (though quite unusual) for blood blisters to form in and around the vagina in early pregnancy, as the body pumps extra blood to the uterus to prepare for the baby to start growing.

So there you have it. My blood blister was a parting gift from my little embryo, and apparently something I have to look forward to if I ever manage to get pregnant again.

This morning when I woke up I found the blister was much smaller and not very painful, although it was still seeping a small amount of blood. My period has also slowed right down and I expect it will only last a couple more days, so that’s good news all round!

Thank goodness IVF strips away all of your dignity, because my big family in this small house not only witnessed my blood stained pants, they also had to listen to me shrieking and crying about the blood blister on my vagina. It takes a special kind of person to be ok with that! And then write about it and post it on the internet!

And now I feel you all know more about me than you ever really needed to know. I’m so sorry if any of you are unable to sleep tonight because of my horrific story.

But seriously…I did warn you!

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8 thoughts on “The grossest thing you’ll ever read on wordpress

  1. Thank you for sharing. At least if it happens to any of us we won’t be as freaked out or surprised!

    You have an amazing husband and family around you who were able to support you through that.

  2. Ouch!! I’m glad your mom was there and could help out. I wouldn’t want to show my husband that either. Now if that ever happens to me I’ll know what it is and maybe not freak out as much as I probably otherwise would!

  3. i have never heard of that! i wasn’t grossed out at all and thanks for sharing. unfortunate that you had to go through that but sharing it with us may help minimize our own “freak out” later on down the road 🙂

  4. I get these all the time! The first time it happened, I was pretty surprised. Now I just get annoyed when they’re there. They can get quite large and sometime get irritated depending on where they are (rubbing on clothes, etc.). Glad it wasn’t anything serious 🙂

  5. Pingback: Typical. More drama. | Young yet infertile

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