This morning I re-activated my Facebook account, after almost 2 months away from the site.
I got rid of my account after the birth of my niece. I was jealous and bitter and depressed and devastated for myself, because she was due 4 weeks before my Nemo. Suddenly I just couldn’t deal with the endless baby bump photos, pregnancy announcements, and constant stream of baby pictures on my newsfeed anymore. I needed a time-out to save my own sanity.
But today I felt like I was ready. I felt like my anxiety had stabilised, and I was prepared to deal with whatever was waiting for me on the other side of the sign-in screen.
Plus, I figured I would have to get used to looking at my new niece’s face because my sister-in-law and her family are headed our way as of tomorrow to celebrate Christmas with the family. Thankfully they’ve rented their own house nearby instead of crashing at our place like they normally do. This is probably because our renovations are ongoing, but it suits me fine because I won’t be kept awake at night listening to a newborn crying in the next bedroom over. That would have been a cruel Christmas joke.
Nonetheless, the baby will be around whether I like it or not and I don’t want to be so awful that I panic in front of my in-laws. I want to be able to hold the baby without crying. I want to be able to bond with her, and let her bond with me. I love my older niece so much and I really want that with my younger niece too. I want to be a good aunt.
So I logged into Facebook, after all this time away, to future-proof my heart, and acquaint myself with my niece.
And there it was at the top of my newsfeed. A post by that same friend I hid from in the supermarket carpark a few weeks ago (which I wrote about here). A picture. No accompanying description, just an image that contained four words.
You make adorable babies? You make adorable babies? Well congratulations! Do you want a medal? Do you think you have somehow accomplished something amazing? Do you think you consciously caused your baby to be adorable? No offence but all you did was lie on your back with your legs in the air. That’s how your baby was made. Whoop-dee-doo!
Try making a baby the way I’ve got to make babies and see how you like it. Have a crack at multiple surgeries, invasive tests, medications that make you sick, weight gain, hair loss, memory loss, acne, mood swings, panic attacks, accupuncture, chinese herbs, migraines, hundreds of blood draws, a daily injection regime, bloating and swelling, cramping, never-ending bleeding, egg pick-ups, nervous waits, embryo transfers, progesterone suppositories, pregnancy losses, and cold, clinical evaluations of your failures. And don’t forget to fork out your life savings for the pleasure.
Now I am just angry! I’m grumpy and sour-faced and so peeved at myself for logging onto that horrid website.
See how bitter I am right now? I’m angry because someone is happy that they have an adorable baby. That’s not very fair. Everyone thinks their own children are adorable. Everyone has a right to proclaim that their kids are beautiful. I feel bad for ranting about my friend, and she doesn’t even know I’ve ranted about her. The problem does not lie with her, the problem lies with myself and my inability to cope with a newsfeed filled with happy baby bragging.
Screw Facebook. Seriously. Nothing good ever comes from that place.
Ain’t no infertiles got time for that.
Goodbye again Facebook. I hope I’ve learned my lesson now and I won’t revisit you for a very very long time.