Dorothy Mantooth and my husband are both saints

Just fair warning…this blog post is kinda sweary. Okay, very sweary.

Why? Because this last fortnight has been absolutely fucking awful. One of the worst periods of my life. Just really, really bad.

In fact, you might want to skip this post if you don’t want to read an extremely long, angry and rambling diatribe from a disturbed young woman.

My problems are mainly down to this new drug I’m taking – ethinyloestradiol. It’s the medication we’re using to plump up my uterus lining in preparation for my FET. Before my last FET we used progynova and that medication did the job without causing me massive dramas. But ethinyloestradiol appears to be my kryptonite. It is the devil’s drug. The devil’s drug I tell you!

First of all the nausea is ridiculously bad. I couldn’t really keep any food down for the first couple of days, but after that my body acclimated somewhat and the vomiting stopped. But the nausea has certainly persisted.

It is particularly bad when I’m driving, sort of like bad motion sickness. It means I’ve been late for work a whole bunch of times the past fortnight because the nausea overwhelmed me and I had to pull over onto the side of the road until I could swallow and breathe normally.

When I mentioned to my doctor that the nausea was really bad on this drug she looked at me like I was some sort of moron and told me that if I couldn’t handle the nausea caused by estrogren maybe I shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant, because when you’re pregnant, you get nauseous a lot.

That comment made me angry. Really fucking angry. Because I’m not an idiot. I am aware that pregnant women experience nausea. Also because I am not forking out my entire life savings in an effort to get pregnant, I am forking out my life savings in an effort to have a child. Notice the subtle difference there? Pregnancy is a means to children.

I know pregnancy can be shitty. I know you can be sick a lot. But I don’t care. I honestly don’t! If I have to vomit everything I eat for the next nine months I do not care.

And the nausea you experience during pregnancy is a little different to the nausea you experience because of a medication. It says on the damn pill bottle to tell your doctor if you have persistent symptoms. So why is it a problem that I mentioned my persistent symptom to her?

I mean honestly I took her comment as a subversive threat. I feel like she does this a lot now. I tell her about a problem I’m experiencing, she tells me how life is much harder when you’re pregnant/a mother and then looks at me weird and kind of suggests maybe I shouldn’t be doing IVF.

And I take it as a threat because I feel like she is going to cancel my cycle due to my honesty in describing my physical and emotional responses to IVF. Like OH I’M SORRY I AM VOMITING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF MY CAR LET’S MAKE THAT MY FAULT AND DENY ME CHILDREN BECAUSE I SIMPLY MENTIONED IT TO YOU.

And plus, we all know how she feels about people who give up on IVF (in case you missed the memo, she thinks they’re not cut out to be parents in the first place) so I feel like when she questions me she is not only saying I can’t handle IVF or pregnancy, she is also calling me a bad parent. And that is not ok. How dare she question my hypothetical future parenting skills or ability to be a mother because I confessed I’m struggling on a new medication. What kind of doctor would do such a thing?

The second major problem with ethinyloestradiol are the mood swings I am experiencing. You may have already guessed that from reading this post…

These mood swings are on a whole other level to what I’m used to. It is unlike anything I’ve ever gone through before. It started about 24 hours after I went onto the medication. I started crying all the time. I was absolutely distraught and nothing could cheer me up.

Then the next day, I was angry. Super angry. I suddenly hated my husband, didn’t want him near me and didn’t want him to look at me or touch me or breathe in the vicinity of where I was standing. I don’t even know what he did to trigger such a reaction. He would reach out to me and I would scream at him to go away. It caused me to become angrier and angrier, and my husband to oddly become clingier and clingier.

The more I screamed at him to leave me alone, the more he insisted on following me around the house like a sad little puppy, constantly asking me why I was upset with him and how he could make it better. It was a fucking nightmare. I almost packed my bags and went to stay at my parents house just to get away from him.

My moods started rapidly swinging back and forth. One minute I was happy and normal, the next minute I was weeping, and then I was looking at my husband like maybe I wanted to scalp him with a kitchen knife.

Not only was it hard for my husband to cope with this, it’s also been devastating for me. I don’t want to behave how I’m behaving. I don’t want to make him upset or push him away. And I don’t want to feel like this all the time because it’s exhausting and maddening.

We looked up the common symptoms of ethinyloestradiol and surprise surprise! Common side effects include depression, anxiety and rapid mood cycling. Doug promised to be understanding, and just keep on loving me the best way he knew how. But after about a week his resolve started wearing thin. He started biting back when I snapped at him, and we started arguing constantly.

When I mentioned to Doctor Holiday that I’m having these awful mood swings she told me that ethinyloestradiol doesn’t cause any such problem. She suggested if I am having mood swings I have a mental health issue, not a drug side-effect. She said I need to go and see a counsellor to get my mental health issues rectified because whilst IVF is hard, being a parent is much harder and if I can’t cope with this I won’t cope with being a mother.

Do you see what I mean about the threats?? I mean come on! Stop subversively insulting me every time I admit to experiencing an emotion or symptom.

To make matters worse, the doctor said that to me in front of my husband. So suddenly he’s thinking that I’ve just been acting like a bitch for no good reason, and that makes me a bad wife for treating him in such a way. Like hey Doctor Holiday, thanks for making my hard life HEAPS harder.

I showed him all of the evidence that proves the doctor was wrong, and I think he mostly believed me when I said that I’m honestly not choosing to behave like this. But I know there’s doubt in his mind. So that’s great.

Then Doug started getting really depressed as well. He told me he knew it wasn’t my fault, but this whole thing is killing him. He said infertility isn’t like another illness that you can fight and overcome. With infertility you either win or you lose, and you don’t know it’s beaten you until you’re completely driven into the ground. He said he can’t do any more IVF. He can’t mentally or emotionally handle the failures, he can’t stand idly by and watch me get sick and depressed, and we can’t afford it because we have no money left. But then he said he can’t imagine living a life without children. It’s his number one wish in life to be a dad, and he just can’t live a childless life.

Then, the following evening, he casually mentioned that he had been speaking to his mother on the phone, and they had joked about how there should be a compulsory physical examination before couples enter into a long-term relationship. I know that his mother hates me, and she has expressed in the past that he would be better off without me, but never did I ever expect him to even make a joke about such a thing. My own husband was “light-heartedly” implying that had he known I was infertile right at the start, he would never have married me.

After that pretty much all hell broke loose. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted to divorce him. I didn’t want to be with someone who would say such horrible things about me, and also because I didn’t want him to live a childless life. I didn’t want him to hate me or blame me for causing him to be stuck in a situation he didn’t want to be in. I said positively awful things to him. I suggested he wouldn’t even be upset if I left him, because he doesn’t really love me anyway. I told him that he would have a new girlfriend straight away and he wouldn’t miss me or think about me at all.

Once again, he bit back and started accusing me of clearly not wanting to be with him either if it was so easy for me to suggest we split up.

I pointed out that leaving him would be a huge personal blow for me because there’s no way I’ll have time to meet another man, get him to see past my massive medical problems, move in together, get married, and then attempt IVF before my 30th birthday (around the time I’m due to have a hysterectomy). Therefore, I was making a huge sacrifice and he was not because he could go out and get any old bitch knocked up and have ten thousand children.

He then accused me of not seeing him as a husband or lover, and only seeing him as a sperm donor to achieve my goal of having children. He shouted that I was clearly only staying with him to use him for his sperm, and not because I actually wanted to be with him.

Do you see what I mean when I say this past fortnight has been hard? We completely hit rock bottom as a couple. It’s a place we’ve never been before.

We continued sleeping in the same bed, but were hardly talking to each other and not touching each other at all. It got to the point where his leg would accidentally brush up against mine as he rolled over in his sleep and I would grunt and roughly push him away like he had supremely offended me.

A couple of days ago we started talking through our issues, and we are doing okay now. There’s still tension there, and I know a big part of that is the fact I’m still on this awful fucking ethinyloestradiol.

In my good moments we can laugh again now, and we snuggle up on the couch in the evenings to watch television. I know that we love each other very deeply, and we’re both going through something awful at the moment. We just have to try our hardest to stick together.

We’ve never been a couple who fought much before, so this is something new and hard for us. I have to hope we can make it through to the other side together, and stronger. He is honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me and now I’m scared I’m going to lose him too. I couldn’t cope with losing him and my chance to have children at the same time.

The only good news is that the ethinyloestradiol is doing it’s job. I had a scan yesterday and my uterus lining is now measuring 9.6mm triple which is great news. I have started progesterone twice a day, and my FET is set for Wednesday.

I am starting to become really nervous already, and it’s only Friday afternoon. Jelly is our only embryo. If he doesn’t survive the thaw, or doesn’t expand properly, we have nothing else. The whole FET has been for nothing and we don’t get any of our money back. I have five more whole days to wait! I don’t know how I’m going to make it through.

If you have read this entire post I thank you sincerely. And please don’t judge me!

We can’t have a good day every day and I think sometimes it’s helpful to admit that you aren’t strong or good all the time.We all have moments of weakness when times are tough, and I just shared my weakness with the entire internet! I think that takes guts. Am I right or am I right? I’m so right.

Sadie xx

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29 thoughts on “Dorothy Mantooth and my husband are both saints

  1. Is your doctor serious??? Like, seriously serious? Or is she just trying to win the dumb competition??!!! I can’t believe they’ve told you to stop complaining cause being a mother is harder. I’m not under your new drug (which seems awful) but I’m feeling like i want to punch them in the face, so with the modd swings I can’t imagine how you hold it up together. Congrats on you, I really hope your frozen embryo will be ok for the transfer. xxx

  2. God, I’m so sorry. How’s is it that you can go through so much awful, but still somehow there are lower lows? It’s just so unfair. And I agree with damelapin, dr holiday might be the worst doctor ive heard of. To be so heartless (and also just plain wrong). Does she even have any concept of what it’s like to bee in your shoes?? The sooner your rid of her the better.

    • It took me a long time to realize how bad this doctor actually is. She is a top rated doctor who comes highly recommended so for a long time I just kept thinking I was the problem instead of her. Either way we’ll be done with this doctor after Wednesday. If Jelly takes then we’ll move on to an obstetrician and if he fails we’ll definitely be going to see a new RE.

  3. Wow…I can’t believe the things your doctor has said to you. I’m sorry she’s an unsupportive bitch. You might wanna think about changing docs or something ’cause that sure as hell doesn’t help your IVF struggles as they are. Do they not offer some sort of couple counseling during IVF? I can so see fights happening ’cause it’s an absolute mess with the meds on top of it. I hope you guys can get your groove back and I especially hope that this IVF is it for you ’cause you sure as hell need a break! Hang in there as best as you can!

      • Since I’m dealing with nausea myself right now I’ve done a bit of research on natural stuff that can help. I’ve bought some candied ginger (also called crystallized ginger) today and that seemed to take the nausea down a notch. I read that it can help with pregnancy and medication induced nausea…worth a try…it tastes horrid, but it does help.

  4. I appreciate your honesty and am so sorry your are having so many struggles. The FET drug sounds like an absolute nightmare. I’ll be thinking about you and praying Jelly survives the thaw. Hugs.

  5. Sorry, this is all so hard! I appreciate your honesty and think it’s quite brave to admit some of the terrible things you said to your husband in your anger…it makes you more real. Very few people (myself included) are open enough to share some of their ugly moments publicly and reserve those for only our closest family. You know, the ones we love the MOST? πŸ˜‰ Hang in there, five days feels like an eternity, but after the weekend you will almost be through it. I hope the side effects die down or your body adjusts. I do know what it’s like to feel like you have gone through hell and back only to end up with…nothing. I will pray for little Jelly and hope that this will all turn into a funny story you tell people at Jelly’s 1st birthday party where everyone can laugh hysterically and you and hubby can just share a knowing look of how much it drew you closer! xo

    • Thank you so much for your support I really appreciate it. I questioned whether to post this blog because I feel like my struggles with my husband should be personal but I really feel like it has helped me to vent and get it all out in the open. I feel like now I’ve been able to let go of some of my anger I have also been able to connect more with my husband again.

  6. Wow your dr is such a friggin cow. I’m sure you’ll be glad to kick her to the curb after this. I totally agree with infertility being a win or lose situation. I just lost the iui battle and the hubs took that pretty hard so ivf will be our next option and you’ve just voiced some of my biggest fears over it. We’re taking an extended break for now but I know we’ll have to get back into it when the time comes. Strength to you and Jelly! I hope you don’t have to do this again.

    • I second everything Infertile Girl has said! Your doctor is a %#@$ and I can’t wait until you dispose of her. Sorry about the hubs–I’ve had some UGLY fights with Mr. MLACS and we’re not even to IVF yet, so no judgement here. In fact, thanks for being honest. And all my love to little Jelly–may he overcome all obstacles and manifest. *Hugs* XO

      • Thank you I’m so nervous about the thaw but hoping Jelly makes it all the way!! Hubby and I are doing a lot better today we almost feel normal again now. πŸ™‚

    • We did really well with our first few IVF cycles and kept it together as a team but it’s my husband who is starting to lose faith and patience in the process now. I’m hoping Jelly is the one and we won’t have to do this again as well!

  7. you are right, it takes huge guts. i’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time recently. IF is SO TOUGH on all relationships – please don’t feel like you’re alone in that because you’re certainly not. Even without the drugs the stress it places on couples is ridiculous, add to that crazy hormones and well…I’m surprised there aren’t more murders!!
    And what the hell is wrong with your doctor??? what a horrible horrible person. You should really put in a complaint about her.
    I’m sending lots of good vibes to your embie and wishing you so much luck x

  8. to start it off light, your title is the BEST blog post title i’ve ever read! i found myself yelling it out loud in my head ahhaha. we are officially kindred movie quote spirits. (also, did you know they are re-releasing anchorman 2 in theatres with an “R” rating and there are like 700 new jokes!!!)
    your dr. is just kind of unbelievable. i’m sorry you have to deal with that crap that’s coming out of her mouth. i had a similar problem with my last FET. i was having trouble and i was honest and mentioned it to my dr. then i was terrified that she would cancel things but it’s best to let it out and be honest. being so open and honest about the trials you’re going through as a couple is a very brave thing to do. most all of us go through times where our relationships are tested while dealing with infertility and IVF. it’s not fair that we are tested so much through all this. it’s too much to bear at times. i my case it has strengthened our relationship and i hope the best and same for you and your husband. thinking of you and little jelly. sending prayers and love your way.

    • Haha I thought of you when I chose that title. I was worried no one else would really understand it! And no I did not know that about Anchorman thanks for the heads up! Thanks for your support I really appreciate it πŸ™‚

  9. No judgement here. Infertility causes huge problems in relationships. It sounds like you and your husband are working through them. Also, your doctor is a terrible whore for making things so much worse for you.

  10. I seriously think you need to bring up everything Dr. Holiday has done to her superior. NO doctor should EVER treat a patient the way she’s been treating you.

    I won’t nit-pick everything she’s said, expect for the nausea point. Nausea during pregnancy is a side effect that most women get during pregnancy, something that cannot be changed. However, the nausea you’re feeling from that medication is an UNNECESSARY side effect, one that could be changed with different medications. Just because you’re having difficulty with the nausea now doesn’t mean you can’t handle being pregnant, who knows if you’ll even get sick during pregnancy?! I would have said so many things to that doctor, you’re a saint for not snapping back.

    As for your relationship strain, I think it unfortunately happens to every couple going through IF at some point. This is an extremely stressful situation that plays with everyone’s emotions, and sometimes tempers flare. Just remember to be gentle with each other and remind yourselves that you loved each other first, before the idea of kids was around. You didn’t marry each other just for their sperm/uterus, your married each other because of the love you have, and your want to be together, kids or not.

    • I completely agree with you about the nausea! I only mentioned it to her in the hope I could be put on a different medication. Of course if I was pregnant I would happily handle the nausea (or at least not make a fuss). Unfortunately our doctor is the big boss at the clinic so we can’t complain to a superior. She is the founding director and owner. It took us ages to get our initial appointment with her because she’s supposedly an amazing RE. Yeah right!

  11. Seriously, that doctor is breaking every single bedside manner rule in the book. Additionally as a doctor she has no right to ever tell a patient about her personal opinion concerning who makes a good parent. I would specifically file a complaint with the facility she is employed with. It is uncalled for and rude. Additionally, as a doctor, one of the main goals I have for my patients is their comfort. Every person will have different side-effects and those need to be addressed. Duh. There is no guarantee that a drug will not have these issues and as a doctor she should deal with that. You are a living patient, for the love of all that is holy. And she should be a good doctor. I am sorry, dear. I am sorry this drug is such a hot mess.

    • Unfortunately she’s the founding director of the clinic so there’s no one to complain to. She’s the big boss! When I made a complaint about the replacement doctor during my last IVF cycle she basically shrugged and told me to get over it too. Just going to find a new doctor after my FET…

    • Just wanted to say thanks for checking in with me. Your comment gave me the motivation I needed to update my blog today. It helps to know people think of me, even though sometimes I feel all alone. xx

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