Another year older.
Another year closer to needing a hysterectomy.
Another full year struggling with infertility.
Another year without a baby in my arms.
Yesterday morning my husband got dressed for work, kissed me goodbye and said “Don’t forget I’m using your garage door opener because I lost mine. Once I’ve closed the garage door behind me I’ll leave your remote control in the letterbox for you to pick up on your way out.”
It took me a few moments to comprehend that he had actually left for work, that he had actually forgotten it was my birthday…
But in the end it all turned out for the best. I texted him mid-morning to ask if there was something he was supposed to remember and he was instantly mortified. He said he was the worst husband ever and he was so bad and so sorry and I totally milked it for all it was worth. Poor guy haha…
But even more important than my birthday was my appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately for me the appointment was at 4pm so I had to sit through almost an entire day at work first.
I was so nervous, I was well past the point of anxiety. Forget butterflies in your tummy – my stomach was actually flipping the same way it does when I’m on a roller coaster. It was quite sickening.
And the day moved soooo slowwwwwwly. The seconds felt like minutes, and the minutes like hours. Doug was nearly vomiting from the anxiety before we even made it to lunch time.
I ended up getting to the clinic 45 minutes early because I couldn’t stand sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs. I didn’t want to go inside and look like an idiot so I bought a chocolate bar from the convenience store across the road from the hospital and ate my feelings.
At 3.45pm I went inside to wait for Doug to arrive. I didn’t mention this to you guys but my favourite person from my old clinic was my embryologist (at that clinic everyone had their own dedicated scientist to do their transfers and look after their embies).
On the day of my egg retrieval during my seventh cycle (my first cycle at this new clinic) I was shocked to see my favourite embryologist! She had jumped clinics at the same time as I had. And she was just as happy to see me as I was to see her!
I was even more happy when I found out she was also going to be the scientist who would be in the surgical theatre during my last retrieval. She actually came over and held my hand as the anesthetist put me to sleep and I remember groggily telling her “I love you, you’re my favourite…” right before I closed my eyes. Because that’s not embarrassing at all.
Every time I come into the clinic now she comes rushing out of the lab to see me. It’s like having your own personal cheerleader or something. She’s such great value.
Anyway, yesterday was no different. She actually came and sat next to me in the waiting room and held my hand.
“I have been following all your results so closely!” she said. “I’m so excited that you are pregnant but so worried about your cramping. You’ve been through so much I don’t even know what to say.”
Moments later the doctor came out of his office and called my name, so the embryologist hugged me and wished me luck then disappeared back into the lab.
Thankfully just before the doctor closed his office door Doug also turned up in the clinic waiting room. I was super happy I didn’t have to go in by myself even though my doctor is mostly awesome. I just didn’t want to deal with bad news on my own.
“So you’re up the duff eh?” He said, sitting at his desk. “Well done me. How far along are you?”
“5 weeks 1 day.” I replied.
The doctor then typed some information into his computer and turned to me. “According to my computer you’re 5 weeks 1 day.”
“Yes I just said that!” I protested, trying not to laugh.
“Oh but I’m a man so I don’t listen when women talk to me. Just ask my wife! ” He joked. “And just in case you weren’t aware smarty pants, your official due date is 17 January.”
I did already know my due date but it felt so weird to have a medical professional actually say it out loud and then record it in my file. It was surreal.
“Look I’m really worried.” I said. “I’ve been having severe pain on my right side.”
“It’s not an ectopic pregnancy if that’s what you are hinting at. Your hcg numbers are perfect. ” Doc said firmly.
“But the cramps!” I cried. “What if I’m that one in a million woman who has an ectopic with great numbers?”
“Oh goodness! Okay okay. Come on, I’ll scan you!” He said, leading me next door into his scan room.
I lay down on the table, Doug holding my hand tightly, and Doc inserted the dildo cam. So fun when you’re full of crinone…
Immediately we saw a gestational sac and yolk sac on the screen. I was kind of shocked to be honest. I wasn’t even emotional, just…stunned. Was I really looking at my own insides?
“There you see!” Doc said. “A perfect looking pregnancy in the uterus. No heartbeat yet because it’s too soon but there will be one next week I guarantee you.”
He also checked my right side and found no cysts or blood. He concluded that the pain is caused by a small tear in a muscle that is being exasperated by my stretching ligaments.
Then he moved the wand back so we could see the uterus again.
“Is that a yolk sac?” I asked worriedly. Even though I knew I could see the yolk sac I just wanted confirmation. “Could this be a blighted ovum?”
“Blighted ovum? Sadie you need to step away from the internet.” He scoffed. “This pregnancy is normal.”
Then just like that he printed off two photos, handed them to Doug, and removed the dildo cam.
“Ok young lady here’s the plan.” Doc said. “Clearly you are terrified so I want you back here in a week and we’ll see if we can find that heartbeat for you. In the meantime I want you to pick a good obstetrician and book in now. The good ones fill up fast and you’ll be having a baby in January.”
Just like that our appointment was over. When I was at the front desk picking up more crinone three of the nurses and two of the embryologists came out to say congratulations and happy birthday.
It was actually extremely overwhelming to have all these people congratulating me. I felt like I was listening to someone else receive congratulations. I felt like it couldn’t be happening to me. Good things just don’t happen to me.
My follow-up appointment was set for next Thursday. A whole 10 days until we can check for a heartbeat. I don’t know how I will cope until then. I certainly won’t be booking in to see an obstetrician before then. My God! I still don’t in any way believe this is real or that anything good will come of it.
All in all I guess I had a pretty ok birthday. It was low key and most people forgot (including my husband!) but I am certainly better off this birthday than last. I’m not going to count my chickens before they hatch but I have moved in a positive direction. I can’t really ask for more than that…
You guys, as of right now there’s a baby in my tummy. It might not be there next week or the week after but it’s there now as I type this. So surreal! If this is what you get to have when you’re 28 bring it on!
Maybe just maybe 28 is going to be my year.