Just a quick update to let you all know I’m still alive and kicking.
I truly am so grateful for all of the wonderful messages of support I have received over the last couple of weeks. I haven’t been emotionally strong enough to respond but please know that I have read those messages over and over and drawn strength from them. I read them at 2am when I can’t sleep because they keep me from crying. You guys are so amazing.
I suppose I should fill you in on how I’m going…
I’m back at work now. The girls in my team have been fantastic. They bought me flowers, always listen to me and give me hugs when I cry. They even make sure I’m eating enough food to get through each day. Not a lot of food, but enough to stop me from passing out I guess. Sometimes they manage to make me laugh. Other times I catch myself smiling at something one of them says, and I am surprised that I am still able to feel anything except despair.
Work is the only place where I feel normal. It’s a space where my husband never existed, so it’s safe. I’m supported by my co-workers and I’m busy most of the day. Sometimes I have panic attacks and have to run to the bathrooms to cry. But mostly I’m coping during business hours.
At night time I am alone. Sometimes my brother is home (he works a 24 hour rotating roster at a hospital, so he’s often away in the evenings) but usually it’s just me and the dog.
It still feels so strange to exist in the space I shared with my husband, except he is no longer with me. It’s almost like he died. Sometimes I pretend he has died, and it feels a little less painful because I can imagine that he still loves me and didn’t leave by choice.
At least my family are giving me my own space now. I’m pretty sure they had me on suicide watch for the first week – there was someone with me in the house at all times and even my aunts and uncles and grandparents were taking turns to babysit me.
I have spoken to my husband 3 times since he left me. Always initiated by me. Always via text message. My messages to him have been very neutral and unemotional. I have only contacted him to ask about finances. I am proud of myself for not once caving in and texting him at 3am to say my life is empty without him. He has not asked me how I am or told me anything about where he is living or what he is doing.
He is being horrible and forcing me to pay 50% of everything including the credit card and mortgage. I guess it’s his right to do this to me, but he earns more than double my wage so by splitting everything 50/50 I am now flat broke and he would be saving stacks of money each week. The girls at work say I should get a lawyer involved but I can’t afford it and more importantly I really don’t want to start world war three. I couldn’t handle it emotionally.
I have been asked out twice in the past two weeks by two different men. I also went to a birthday party last week and was outrageously hit on by a male friend of the birthday girl. I felt so confronted by his flirting that I went to the bathroom and cried then immediately left the party.
The idea of being with someone who isn’t my husband makes me physically sick. At first I couldn’t understand why so many creepy guys were circling me like vultures. It’s been years since men drooled over me. Then I realised it’s because I have stopped wearing my wedding ring.
When I politely declined the first guy who asked me out he seemed shocked by my decision and said “Geez okay…but I really like you. You’re so attractive.”
I tried to remain calm and told him that I was sure he would find a nice girl who was actually available. He then looked at me like I was silly and replied “But you’re available?”
It couldn’t have hurt me more if he’d punched me in the gut and knocked all the air out of my lungs. It was one of the first times I’d left the house since my husband walked out and suddenly I was being told directly by some sleaze that I am now single and available. It was so incredibly hurtful.
What else? Oh yes I have applied for two better paid jobs. I am also looking for others to apply for. I need to earn at least 10-15 thousand extra a year to comfortably support myself. I know I will probably have to apply for dozens before I am successful, but two is a good start. Two job applications is better than no job applications. And it shows that the fog is slowly starting to lift from my brain to allow me to make logical decisions.
Other than that I don’t really have much to report. I eat when I can stomach food, I sleep when I manage to switch my brain off, I go to the gym for an hour every night just to get the temporary dump of happy endorphins. I am existing.
I promise to update again as soon as I feel able.