My husband has left me

He told me that my infertility has ruined his life, and he left me.

He said he was going away for a few days to give me a break from his constant depression. The depression that has consumed him since we lost our last baby.

But now, more than a week later, he informs me over the phone that he can’t come back because he can’t return to the infertility and IVF and miscarriages. He’s done. He’s reached his quota. He is bowing out.

He told me he will always love me, that I’m his best friend and he really did want us to grow old together, but he can’t ever deal with fertility treatment again. He said he can’t live a life without children, and he knows I can’t either. So we are no longer able to be together.

I haven’t eaten or slept in a week. As if infertility, 8 cycles of IVF and three pregnancy losses weren’t enough punishment. Now my fucking awful reproductive system has cost me happiness with the only man I have ever loved.

When I lie awake at night I find myself hoping a violent burglar will break into our house and murder me. I am all alone here and maybe no one would even find my body for days. I imagine my bruised and bloodied body slowly decomposing on the kitchen tiles.

Why is this happening to me? Oh God why is this happening to me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

My heart is shattered.

My dreams are crushed.

I don’t know what else to say.

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53 thoughts on “My husband has left me

  1. Sweetheart I’m so, so sorry. This is the worst thing about being online friends-that I can’t drive over there and take care of you through this. Please know that you have people in your life who love you and want you to be okay. Please, please remember that.

  2. I’m so so sorry.I wish there was something, anything,I could do to help. You’re not alone, we’ll be thinking of you, please keep posting so we know your still there. Maybe it’s a good time to go spend with family so your not alone in your house? I can’t imagine what your feeling right now, but I know you can get through this.

  3. Big hugs. I’m very sorry that this has happened to you. You’ve been dealt a tough hand. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Please take care of yourself and seek support, if not from family then from us here. You are always welcome to email me.

    • Thanks for your support. I keep repeating that to myself over and over “this wouldn’t be happening to me if I couldn’t handle it” even though I don’t believe it at the moment. Hopefully one day I will.

  4. How terribly awful that this is heaped on top! Please, please reach out to family and friends for support so you are not alone right now. I wish you were not so far away or I would come wipe your tears myself! I am holding out hope that his emotions will settle some in time and he will return to his loving wife and the vows he made.

    • Thank you unfortunately it looks like he isn’t going to come back. He has completely cut all contact with me. I’m lucky I have my family with me otherwise I don’t know what I would do.

  5. When you go through a major break up, especially after all you two have been through together, it often feels like there is no hope, no sense of continuing on. I promise you the days get better. The heart stops hurting with time. Surround yourself with those you love. Take the time you need to feel that pain, but also know that you can’t live in the darkness forever. Get out there. Feel the sunshine on your face and just be. You don’t need any answers right now.

  6. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just breathe and remember God is there. He’s got His arms around you…even though you may not feel it. What God brings you to, He will bring you through. Hang in there.

  7. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry this has happened!! Definitely don’t stay at home alone even though that is probably what you feel like doing. You need to be around people and still try to live. I think once he has time for his emotions to settle that he will probably come back. You two have just been through so much trauma together. I know that it really doesn’t seem fair of him to heap this on you on top of everything else but he probably thinks that he is doing you a favor or something. My husband left me for a bit once and I couldn’t eat and I could barely sleep. It was a living nightmare. I could only hope to distract myself for a few minutes here and there with other things. I hope that your husband will come back and that you will be able to work all this out. Hugs and prayers! Please post when you are able to so we know you are ok. Remember that there are many people who love you and want you to be safe and happy.

    • Thank you it is looking very obvious that my husband has no intention of ever coming back to me. He told me he will never return to the misery of infertility. I am beyond devastated. I loved him (and still love him) unconditionally. It is astounding to find out my husband’s love was conditional upon me being able to have a biological child.

      • That is very devastating. Take all the time you need to grieve and take care of yourself. It is hard to believe that anyone could be so selfish, especially considering all that you went through trying to fulfill the dreams you both had. I understand you still loving him. I am the same way. I cannot imagine loving anyone in any way that had conditions. I’m just so sorry.

  8. I am so sorry to read this. I had been wondering how you were doing, healing… I feel particularly empathetic because I have been on the brink in my own relationship for literally years… just this weekend I thought (again) that it was the end (even started looking for an apartment etc). There appear to be no end to the suffering brought on by infertility. Literally. Please don’t stay alone right now. Please. I’ve been there, in a very bad place, wishing that my life would end by means other than my own taking. I started to confide in a few friends because I knew my sorrow and solitude was destroying me, my relationship. If we are still together today its truly a miracle because it has literally gotten that bad. I will hope that your relationship with your husband is not in fact over as it appears. Rather I really really hope that you might both find ways to support each other and find perhaps a new path to heal… Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Thank you I’m so sorry you are going through something very similar to me. I hope you find more support and love in your relationship than my husband has showed me. I’m always here if you need to talk.

    • Thank you. He seems to have relieved himself of his pain by dumping it onto me. He actually said he was passing me temporary misery to alleviate himself of his long term misery.

  9. i can’t believe i’m reading this. how selfish. how uncaring. how cowardly. granted i don’t the intimate details of your relationship but you don’t just give up on the person you love. i’m very worried for you. you need your family and friends. you need to be in a place physically, mentally, emotionally where you are not contemplating or wishing for death…. my heart is aching for you. i wish i could make it better.

    • I said that to him over and over: “you don’t just give up on the person you love I would never give up on you please don’t give up on me” but it made no difference. I am utterly heartbroken.

  10. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. We are all here for you and a big hug.

    • Thanks I didn’t think anything could hurt more than enduring a miscarriage but this honestly hurts infinitely more. I feel like there’s a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

  11. Oh sugars! My heart broke when I read this post! It is so important for you to surround yourself with friends and family right now. Don’t say alone letting your thoughts consume you. We are all here for you. I am praying thing will work out soon. Xo

  12. Oh my dear, I am so sorry. You’re allowed to feel what ever it is you’re feeling at this difficult time but please remember to take care of yourself. You are important. You matter and you have people who love you. Go visit someone or have someone come over and sit with you. Let us know how you’re doing.

    • Thank you. I honestly feel so unimportant at the moment. Not only has my husband completely cut contact with me, all of our friends have cut me off as well. I have no idea why but they are all supporting him through his “time of need”

  13. Oh my god, Sadie, I am so so sorry for you. My heart breaks for everything you’ve endured, but this…you don’t deserve it, not one ounce. I’ve only gone through fertility treatment and infertility alone, but I can completely understand how demanding and strenuous it must be on a couple.

    I hope and pray that a little time apart to cool down may help him to clear his head and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sending big hugs to you x

    • Thank you for your support. I have this fantasy that he will come back to me. But I am increasingly sure that isn’t going to happen. He has completely cut off contact with me.

  14. Sweetheart I am distraught to read this, especially as I seem to be going through something similar right now myself. I posted a blog a few weeks ago to come clean and haven’t resurfaced since and here I stumble into your news. My heart aches for you, for us. This catastrophe of loss and infertility we live through astounds me everyday. I sincerely hope he comes around. You’ve both been through so much. I honestly don’t know what to do next as I’m sure you don’t either but please know that across the world you have a sister in arms. As alone as you feel, I’m here for you. Hugest of hugs xxx

    • You know I read your post and I was so devastated for you. But I was trying to deal with Doug’s depression and never got around to writing to tell you how sorry I am. I even mentioned it to my husband and he also expressed how sad your news made him feel. I can’t believe that only days later he walked out on me. I hope you are doing okay. At the moment I can’t even function. I didn’t even realize anything could hurt so much.

      • Oh sweetie, this is so hard. I feel for you so much. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Thinking of you all the time xxx

  15. my heart bleeds for you.. that has been my worst nightmare and constant fear during the last 3 years TTC. Much hugs to you during this horrible time. Do you have someone to talk to? After 10 failed cycled, my GP just referred me to a psychologist specialising in infertility. Let me know if you want his details?

  16. I’m so very sorry. Infertility is unbelievably stressful on relationships. I hope that with some time, he will come to a better place and be back. You are so strong and it will get better.

  17. Oh my goodness, I am so very very sorry. I really don’t even know what to say. Is he, and are you too, willing to try some counseling, something, anything to bring the two of you back together? If you truly love each other, how can this end? I’m sorry… I just know how hard true love is to find. I’m so very sorry. I’ll be praying for you.

    • I begged him to go to counselling together or go on a holiday or even just see a doctor together to get him some help for his depression. He refused every time I asked. I wanted to fix this so very badly but he was completely unwilling to try.

      • I’m so sorry. My first husband was the same way. I really wanted to at least try counseling, but he wouldn’t have any part of it. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew the right words to say to make this better.

  18. I’m sorry I’m just catching up to all of this. I don’t think it has anything to do with your infertility. I think he is using it as a catalyst for the way he feels. Maybe it does have a lot to do with it, but probably not as much as he is saying. The things he has said and the way he is acting makes it sound like he is using it as an excuse for his own personal issues. Maybe depression, maybe something else. It’s not fair for him to use that as the reason, in order to cause you more pain and suffering, and now guilt. It’s quite terrible and I would punch his throat given the chance. I know IF can do a lot of terrible things to a relationship, but him bringing up your weight is bullshit. If you got pregnant, you would certainly gain a lot more. So.. it’s an excuse. I hope you can someday be more pissed at his cowardess than sad he is gone. I know right now it is too soon for that, and I will back off on giving my opinion. I just don’t want you thinking your infertility caused this, because I very much doubt that is 100% to blame.

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