An honest account of heartbreak

It’s now past midday on Friday.

I haven’t eaten or had anything to drink since Wednesday morning, save for the two spoonfuls of spinach my mother forced into my mouth last night. She keeps telling me if I don’t eat I will get a stomach ulcer. I asked her if stomach ulcers induce death, but apparently (and unfortunately) they don’t.

I am yet to leave my bed, except to occassionally get up to use the master bathroom. And here’s something handy about not drinking anything – you don’t have to pee too often.

For the most part I have stopped talking. I had to email my boss and let her know I won’t be coming in to work for the next little bit because I couldn’t call and tell her verbally. I just don’t have the energy to form words. And what’s the point in talking anymore? Nothing is worth talking about now he’s gone.

I know I stink and need to shower and brush my teeth. I’m sure if I looked in the mirror my hair would be a greasy, matted mess. I can feel my lips are dry and cracked. I’m positive I have sickly, sunken eyes.

My family are all here. My father mowed the lawns yesterday and tended to the gardens. My brother keeps coming into my room and opening all the curtains and windows to entice me out of bed. My mother brings me a new cup of tea every hour. She places it on my nightstand and removes the cup she left the previous hour. I never touch them but she still keeps bringing them.

I have stopped taking my medications. Even the ones I need to be on regardless of whether I’m planning on doing more fertility treatment. I am probably going to make myself sick. But I don’t even care.

I don’t even want to think about the financial ramifications of him leaving. We will have to sell our beautiful house. The one we bought only 7 months ago. The place where we planned to raise our children.

I lie on his side of the bed. The sheets are really dirty but I can’t bring myself to change them, because these are sheets we slept on together before he left me. These are the last sheets that will ever smell like him. His hot water bottle is still at the end of the bed, under the sheets. He used it to warm the bed up at night. I touch it with my feet and I try to pretend he is still with me. I have to ignore the fact the water bottle is freezing cold now because he isnt coming back to put more hot water in it.

Sometimes I sleep. I like it when I’m asleep, because I get to dream about him. I get to pretend he didn’t abandon me. I can hold him and talk to him and make him laugh. But then I wake up and I’m forced to realise all over again that he is gone.

That he is never coming back.

After he phoned me to tell me it was over, he drove to the house because he said he didn’t want to end it over the phone.

I cried and cried. I begged him at least one hundred times to stay and work things out. I told him he was more important to me than having a baby and I didn’t care if we never did IVF again. But he insisted I would hate and resent him if I made that choice. Even worse, he said he refused to live without children and because I can’t have them without IVF it could never work between us. Because he was never, ever, ever doing IVF ever again.

He said no. Every time I begged him to reconsider he said no. No no no no no.

And then he pushed me away from him and said “Why would you even want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?”

And that’s when I knew I had lost him. I knew he wasn’t going to change his mind.

When he left the house I lay on the floor and cried harder than I have ever cried in my whole life. I cried until I vomited up bile.

What went wrong? We were supposed to be a family. We had made plans for retirement. Why wasn’t I enough for him?

For so many years I went to sleep every night with his arms wrapped around me, secure in the knowledge he would always be there to protect me and support me and love me. He was my everything.

Whenever anything bad happened – even something little like if one of us made a mistake at work or forgot to put the bins out on bin night – we would say to each other “We are a team and as long as we stick together it doesn’t matter what the world throws at us. We can handle anything because we are together.”

We would say it almost every day. We are a team. We are a team.

There is no “I” in team. But I am an “I” now. I am not a “we” anymore. I don’t know if I can ever be a “we” again. When I love someone I love them unconditionally and for life.

How do I move on from this? I can’t move on from him. I can’t function without him. I can’t believe he hasn’t contacted me to tell me he’s sorry and he made a mistake.

My family tell me I am better off without him. They say I am only 28 and I have plenty of time to find someone who will treat me better. Someone who will love me unconditionally. Someone who won’t run away and abandon me. Someone who digs his heels in when times get tough,  and carries me when I’m not able to walk through the dark maze of infertility.

But they are wrong. I only want him. I don’t know how to go on living my life without him and I don’t want to try. Why is he making me do this? Why is he making me do this? Why is he making me do this?

I don’t want to do this.

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21 thoughts on “An honest account of heartbreak

  1. My heart is breaking for you. I hope you find the strength in yourself and through your family and loved ones to be strong and move on. It might not feel that way now but life will go on and you WILL be happy again. I’m praying with all of my might for you tonight.

      • You will be! God throws us these curve balls in life to show you how truly strong you are. You are a great person, you are worthy of love and appreciation and you deserve to be happy! You will be happy again, I guarantee you! I can imagine how hard it must be right now but think about all the wonderful things you have going for you. You obviously have a family that loves you and takes care of you so take advantage of them. You need them. Accept their help and talk to them. Sending you much love! ❤

    • Thank you. People keep telling me I am going to be ok but I just can’t see how that’s true. I feel like I will never be happy again for the rest of my life because I can’t be happy without him. I feel so alone.

  2. I’m completely heartbroken for you, trying to type through tears. As if everything you’ve been through already wasn’t enough, this is just too unfair. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I’m glad your family is there with you.

  3. Again I am so sorry. My first husband ended our marriage unexpectedly. Although it was due to different circumstances – I know that feeling, that completely lost, don’t know how to continue feeling. Please, please know you are not alone.

      • I cried a LOT. I went through the whole range of it – self-blame, anger, denial. You take it one hour at a time, then one day at a time. It sounds like you have a supportive family and that’s what helped me a lot. I put myself in their hands because I became too helpless to do anything myself and they kept me afloat – they moved me to a new house, made sure I was eating. I went through the motions that they orchestrated. Eventually I could get through the hours and I focused on getting through the days.

        While it feels completely impossible now, you will get to a point where you can start functioning normally again. Your days will be different but doable. Eventually they will become enjoyable again.

        I mourned the life I had with him and thought how can I function without him? How do I do every day things without him? I learned that I didn’t need him to get through my days.

        I know it seems impossible now but it will get easier. You’re stronger than you know. Give yourself time to mourn. Go through the stages of grieving. Just know that it will eventually get better.

        If you want to talk – please email me. Don’t think you’re alone in this. I know exactly how it feels. Lwyatt1016@gmail.com

  4. Jesus Sadie, I’m so sorry to read this! What a prick! I am sure it was tough on him but I am just as sure it was tougher on you. Reading along your journey I kept thinking ‘at least she has such a rock in her life, he is really there for her.’ I’m in a bit of shock to be honest. You deserve better.
    I like what bruised banana said. Let your family mind you for a while, hug yourself. Keep writing, getting it out. And eat. Please eat x

    • I am in total shock as well. You know two weeks ago we were watching some stupid reality tv show together and he laughed and turned to me and said “See how lucky you are to have me!” I laughed at his joke and nodded and said “Not as lucky as you are to have me!” Suddenly he was crying and saying “I know how lucky I am to have you. I’m so grateful for you. So grateful just thinking about it makes me cry. I love you so much.” I felt so special and loved. That is how much I WASN’T expecting him to leave me only days later. And not just walk out on me but also completely cut contact like he doesn’t even care.

  5. My heart is breaking for you. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. You are such a wonderful person, and you deserve so much better than this. ((hugs))

    • Thank you I don’t feel wonderful or like I deserve better. I wish I could understand why some people just get heaped with all the bad stuff in life. What more is the universe going to throw at me?!

  6. Oh Sadie! Men are stupid! You are so fortunate to have a family that loves you so much to be there for you right now. As much as your heart is broken, you need to focus on yourself. Listen to your Mom (the advice we all don’t want to hear). Have a cup of tea, take your meds and get in that shower. Little steps forward will make each day easier. BIG HUGS. XO

    • Thank you I’ve had a shower so that is my first little step forward. I’m struggling so much because I know moving forward means moving forward without him. I love him so much but I know I have no choice in the matter. He has stolen that choice from me. 😦

  7. Oh Sadie, your posts made me cry like a baby. I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband told me he thinks that he is a “scumbag” when I told him what you are going through. He is right. I know you love him but he doesn’t deserve you. Take the time you need to grieve but don’t let him make you sick. Take care of yourself one step at a time. It will pass eventually and you will be a stronger woman because of it and you will find a better man because of it too. I wish I could make you food and hug you. Lean on all of us and your wonderfully supportive family. Awaiting Autumn is right – little steps forward. Glad you showered – that’s a big step! XXXXXXXXXXX

  8. I’m sitting at a coffee shop reading this entry, and I want to cry, my heart hurts for you. Reading this entry brings back the day my ex-husband ultimately moved out of our home. But the difference is I was at fault in my ex moving out, and your situation is NOT your fault. Correct, NOT your fault. And I know you don’t want to hear this from me any more than you want to hear it from your family, but they are right, you deserve someone who sticks by you. Life is rough and messy, you need someone to stick it out with you. And I know you can’t even begin to fathom life with someone else, but in time, you will see, everything happens for a reason. Good, bad ugly, there is always a reason. Sometimes it takes a long while to see and understand the reason though.

  9. This is so so familiar. When my ex left me, I used to close my eyes and imagine it was that brief moment after we were both in bed, before he arched his arm over me to pull me into the little spoon. I would lay there and hold my breath, and if I tried hard enough I could stretch out that moment and believe he was there, only a moment away from comforting me, the way he did after every bad dream.

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

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