The moments after

He left the house for the last time just after 10.30pm on Wednesday night, to start the hour long drive back to the friend’s house where he has been staying for the past 12 days.

I lay on the floor near the front door and cried until I vomited.

While I was lying on that cold floor contemplating death and desperately hoping my husband would come back to me, he was sitting in his car in the dark changing his Facebook password.

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I know this is the least of my worries, and I know that his Facebook profile isn’t my business anymore, but holy hell this makes me feel like I have been stabbed right through the heart.

Whilst I sobbed on the floor he was making rational decisions. He was being so callous and petty he even felt the need to change his Facebook password just minutes after walking out on me.

For what purpose? To completely wipe me from his life? To prove to me that I mean nothing to him?

What does that say about him? About me? About what he thinks of me? And about our relationship?

This is proof that he really doesn’t care at all and he is truly never returning to me.

Who is this man? He is not the man who vowed to love me forever. The man who used to hold me close when I couldn’t sleep at night and whisper “It’s okay baby I’ve got you and I’m never letting go.” This is not the man I still dream about whenever I close my eyes.

My heart is breaking all over again.

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26 thoughts on “The moments after

  1. I know it’s so hard right now, but you do need to remember that he IS callous and petty. I believe that the man you are mourning the loss of left a long time ago and this person replaced him. The way he is acting does not make him worth your grief. I know it’s so hard to see right now, but try to remember that you have value no matter what he does or says. YOU have value-on your own. A lot of value.

    • Thank you so much for your support. I try to remind myself of the horrible callous things he is doing at the moment. But I can’t stop thinking about all the wonderful loving moments we shared together and I just can’t let him go. I am sitting on my couch crying and wondering where he is right now. This is so unhealthy but I can’t understand why he has done this to me. The support I’m receiving on my blog right now is honestly the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

  2. Oh I am so sorry and my heart breaks for you. The barren librarian is right…you do have value! You are amaZing and special. Never stop believing that!

  3. I’m so sorry. Even if this is his way of coping with things, he shouldn’t be acting in such a callous manner towards someone he loves.

    I agree with the others, it’s so hard to see any light in a situation like this, but there will be. You must have some amazing and admirable strength to go through what you have and keep going. I’m not sure many others would be able to do what you’ve done. And in turn, you will get through this although it doesn’t seem like it just now. One step at a time – first it’ll be hour by hour, then day by day, then week by week.

    Blog all you want, vent, write, make lists – anything not to keep it bottled up! I’m glad that you have your family keeping a check on you for the moment. They will help you stand tall once again.

    Thinking of you! x

    • Thank you for your support I am trying very hard to take it hour by hour at the moment. People keep telling me I am strong but I honestly feel like he has sapped all my strength from me. 😦

  4. So heartbreaking. I’m so sorry lovely, I wish I could get inside his brain to understand where this is coming from but I agree with the others, you are worth more than this. And it may be impossible to feel right now but you will realise it soon too. Hugest hugs xx

  5. Ugh. That does suck. I’m so sorry. I think trust, or rather lack there of, is one of the hardest things in marriage. And as far as who this man is, I remember feeling that same way, not that that helps you, but please know you’re feelings are normal. It’s so odd to me to be a stranger to someone you were once so close with.

    • Yes that’s exactly what I feel! I feel like a stranger to the person I was closest to in the whole world just 2 weeks ago. It really does help to hear someone else say my feelings are normal. I hope I can come through this like you have.

      • There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will come through this, and you’ll be stronger because of it! I used to hate when people said time heals all wounds, as really, do some wounds ever completely heal? Not in my opinion. What I’ve realized thought is that time teaches us how to deal with our feelings and emotions, and often times, time also changes how we see the situation as we continue to learn and experience new situations. So maybe we aren’t ever healed, but in time we are better and stronger. Five years later I still feel a little raw thinking of my ex-husband as a stranger, but I’m far more at peace with it now. He and I are both in happier places, and really, maybe that’s all I can ask for.

  6. I’ve followed your story for some time and when I read these posts, my heart broke for you. This is awful. It is unfair. But it does not end with him. And your life did not begin with him. He was just a part of it. I know this is the most devastating, that your whole being aches with the pain. Yet you are so strong, your family is there to give you more strength during the darkest times, there are so many here cheering for you. I am so very sorry but I have faith in you rising out of the ashes.

    • I really want to thank you for your comment. When I get up out of bed and eat food or take the dog for a walk or even just manage a smile I think to myself “This is me, rising out of the ashes. He can burn down everything we had in our lives, but I will continue to rise.” Your words gave me a small amount of strength where previously I had none.

  7. I keep reading these updates and I hesitate to comment every time because I’m just so…p*issed off at your husband! What the hell kind of self-serving, callous coward does something like this? I know, I KNOW this hurts so f*cking bad. I’m really in awe that you have to go through this all at once, but I can’t help but feel that this is his true character, and it was always lurking there just waiting for life’s hardship to strip him down naked to reveal this black, rotten soul. And I wanna say the same thing as Librarian: you have VALUE. You deserve better–a real man who makes vows and means them because he understands love. You have your family and your youth, and you WILL HEAL in time. A girlfriend IRL is right now on her honeymoon after going through a seriously messy, painful divorce (infidelity) and going on to meet an amazing man with 2 kids who love her like crazy. She’s so happy. It came after a fair amount of time to feel the feelings, lick the wounds, search the soul, etc…but there was life *after* for her, and as it turns out, it’s pretty great. Keep your chin up, sweetheart ❤

    • I just wanted to let you know I read this comment every day to try and give me strength. I really appreciate your support. The wonderful support I’m receiving on my blog is just about the only thing keeping me afloat at the moment.

  8. I agree with A. too.. I’m mad for you. What kind of husband would leave you at a time of need??? But most importantly, I hate that he’s made you feel this way. You do have value. You are so deserving of someone that will not leave. I hate that you feel he’s essentially given up and he is not willing to put you first. You DESERVE to be put first. YOU DO DESERVE to be loved unconditionally.

    • Thank you very much for your kind words. I have been intently following along with your blog posts but just haven’t felt up to posting anything. I am so hopeful for you. Your husband is completely amazing and I so hope that one day someone will love me like your husband loves you.

      • Thank you for following along. I know what low betas mean, but maybe they could be different this time? I just know there is someone out there that can love you like that. There truly is. You are worthy of that I promise you. I know right now it’s hard to see, but know I do believe that. Hugs to you.

  9. The barrenlibrarian said it best. I truly believe someone better will come along for you Sadie. It doesn’t seem like it right now, but there is always a method to the madness. Trust me. BIG HUGS! XO

    • Thank you. I just can’t believe anyone would want to be with me, knowing all of my medical problems and my inability to have kids. I feel so lost. And I just miss the man my husband used to be.

      • Sadie you are a beautiful person. Do not let your medical issues define you. There is so much more to you beyond whether or not you can have kids… And besides if a partner wants to have kids with you, you know there are other options. Biological is one factor but it doesn’t make you a mother or not. Hang in there. I know you miss him but he clearly isn’t that person anymore.

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