Wednesday

We shared our first kiss on a Wednesday.

We worked in office towers located two blocks away from each other in the city. Even back then he was working in a more senior role than me, and he was lucky enough to have his own parking space.

He had been my best friend for years, and that Wednesday he offered to drive me home after work. It was an offer I readily accepted because I hated catching the train. The fact he was driving me home from work was not unusual, as he drove me home quite regularly. It wasn’t unusual, except for the fact it was a Wednesday.

He always played football on Wednesday nights. It was his favourite night of the week because he loved the sport, even though he wasn’t the world’s greatest player. But he called to let me know the game had been cancelled due to inclement weather.

Much later, I found out that was a lie. The game had not been cancelled. He had given up his favourite night of the week because he had realised he was in love with me and wanted to see where his feelings were leading.

When we arrived at my house he invited himself in, which also wasn’t overly unusual. But when he sat down on my couch he was acting so jumpy and I could practically hear his heart pounding. I leaned over and gingerly placed my fingers over his carotid pulse.

It dawned on me that my proximity was the cause of his racing heart, but I wasn’t quite sure. Deciding to undertake a little experiment, I removed my fingers from his neck so that I could gently kiss the spot where they’d been. Sure enough, his pulse quickened again.

Suddenly, his mouth was on mine. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, he had flipped me so that I was lying with my back on the couch cushions, and he was on top of me. His tongue was in my mouth, his left hand was in my hair, and his right hand was creeping up my leg underneath my dress.

In our passionate stupor it briefly crossed my mind that I was being ravaged by my best friend, but I also realised that it didn’t feel weird or awkward at all. On the contrary nothing had ever felt more right. It wasn’t until that moment I realised I loved him just as much as he loved me.

We didn’t take it any further that night, because he knew I wasn’t ready. But we sat on the couch for a while, utterly tangled in each other’s arms. The moment was absolutely perfect, and I knew right then and there that he was as close to the perfect man as I was ever going to find. He was the one for me. After a while he kissed my face and moved away from me so that he could stand up.

“I have to go now.” He said. “It’s late and I have to go home. But I want you to know that even though I’m leaving, I’m not leaving you. I’ll never leave you.”

Many years later, it was a Wednesday when he broke down in front of me.

We had recently gone through our third miscarriage, and since that time he had been acting depressed and distant. But he had been so normal when he arrived at our house in the evening. He had smiled and kissed me and told me that he had felt happy when he knew it was time to come home to me.

He’d been at his physiotherapist receiving treatment for a sports injury, and he had been instructed to have a bath to help ease the tightness in his hips. I raced upstairs and filled the tub for him, pleased I could do something to help. Then, whilst he relaxed in the bath, I cooked him dinner and brought it upstairs for him.

But when he emptied the bathtub and got out, I could see his mood had changed and something was wrong. I asked him if he was okay, and he replied that he was not.

Suddenly he started crying. He told me he couldn’t handle “everything” in our lives anymore. He told me he was so traumatised he could never do an IVF cycle ever again, even though he knew that meant never becoming parents. He told me that my infertility had ruined his life. He told me that the 15 kilograms I’d put on since we started fertility treatment had made me fat and he no longer found me attractive.

After hours of tense discussions and crying, he confessed that he had never realised how much his depression was affecting me. He said he was selfish to stay in the house whilst his mood was so low, because he was taking the brunt of it out on me. And he said he didn’t want to subject me to it anymore because he loved me and wanted to protect me.

So he packed his bags, and said he was going away for a few days. He planned to stay a few nights at a friend’s house so that he could clear his head and return to me a happier man. I was devastated by his decision, but outwardly supportive. I told him I would do whatever it took to get him to a healthier and happier frame of mind.

It was a Wednesday, one week later, when he called me to let me know he was never coming home.

He explained that it wasn’t until he was gone, that he realised he never wanted to return. He said that he knew how awful it would be if he ended our relationship, but he was serving me some temporary misery to save himself a lifetime of misery.

He drove to the house then, because he said he didn’t want to end it over the phone. He didn’t appreciate me pointing out that he had already done just that. By the time he arrived I was completely hysterical.

He cried and cried, and begged me to hate him for what he was doing. I just kept sobbing and telling him that I could never hate him, only love him. I asked him to reconsider. I reminded him that we were a family and a team.

I told him that I didn’t care if we never had children, or that he was depressed. I told him that I loved him unconditionally, and nothing would ever change that.

He told me that he didn’t believe in unconditional love. That every love had conditions, and that our relationship was making him unhappy. He told me once again that he didn’t find me attractive, with a simple shrug of his shoulders. He said that he couldn’t live a life without children, but he was definitely never going through IVF ever again.

I sat on our bed and cried while he told me that I would be better off without him. He told me I should find someone who didn’t care that I was overweight and liked to eat pasta. He suggested I try speed dating, or maybe find a single dad with young children. That way, I could pretend I had kids of my own and the guy would love me for being such a great role model for his kids.

I told him I couldn’t live my life without him. I told him I would die if he left me. He said if that was the case I’d better hurry up and change my life insurance policy so that he wasn’t the beneficiary anymore. He suggested I change the beneficiary to my brother.

He told me he would always love me, but he had made up his mind that our relationship was over. And then he walked out of our house and never looked back, while I curled up in a ball and cried on the floor inside the doorway.

It has now been almost a week since I have had any contact with him. This is the longest period of time I’ve gone without speaking to him in over 8 years. I am beside myself with grief.

I started receiving overdue bills in the mail this week. He was always in charge of the financial stuff, but it turns out he wasn’t doing an overly good job of it. I’ve had to take over managing all that stuff now, even though it makes me cry.

He hasn’t used our bank accounts or credit cards to make a single purchase since he left. That makes me horrifically suspicious that he has been putting money aside, or has opened a new account at a different bank.

We currently owe almost $5000 on our joint credit card and there’s just no way I can pay that bill at the end of the month. He earns over twice my wage now, because I was deliberately working in a low paid, low stress job with good maternity benefits while we did IVF.

During the day I am strong now. I eat a little food, I am showering, and dressing myself, and cleaning my teeth and feel good about the fact he hasn’t been able to tear me down and completely destroy me.

But at night time I miss him so much I nearly make myself sick. I lie awake and wonder where he is, what he’s doing, who he is with, and why he hasn’t called to tell me he made a big mistake. If he calls me I will forgive him. I will wipe the slate clean. I will tell him I understand that things said in anger aren’t always true, and that when you’re depressed you often say things you don’t really mean.

But that phone call hasn’t come. And it won’t come. Because he has made a real effort to systematically remove me from his life. He isn’t concerned about our finances, or our jointly owned home, or even the fact I posted on Facebook that I was in a minor car accident.

Furthermore not a single one of our mutual friends has contacted me to ask if I am okay, or need help. I texted a few of them but no one responded to me. He and our friends have built a stonewall, and it looks like I’m alone on the wrong side. They have completely moved on from me. I feel like we’re back in the sixth grade at school. This is not the way grown ups behave.

It was a Wednesday when I fell in love with the man of my dreams.

It was a Wednesday when the man of my dreams broke my heart and walked out on me.

And do you know what? It’s Wednesday tomorrow.

I’m terrified of what that means. Of what may come.

I used to love Wednesdays; now I hate them.

I guess you could say Wednesday ruined my life.

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18 thoughts on “Wednesday

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through hell Sadie. It’s completely unbearable and you are being so brave. Those little steps you are taking will make things better. Time is painfully slow after these kind of situations, but everyday the pain will reduce a little bit more. I am thinking of you in this awful time. I think you should keep writing every day as a way to express how you are feeling. It’s so helpful. When I have been despairing I know getting it down in words helps a little bit. Your memories are beautiful xx

    • I agree that writing down my feelings is helping. As much as anything can help me at the moment. I miss him so much I can’t even breathe sometimes 😦

  2. I’m so glad to hear you’re functioning a teeny bit in the midst of this horror. It’s beyond unfair but you’re so amazingly strong, I know you can get through it. Thinking of you.

  3. Please don’t take offense when I say I want to punch him for the comments about your weight and suggesting speed dating. I’m again so so SO sorry you are going through all of this. I am also glad that little tiny parts of you are starting to function normally.

  4. I don’t even know where to start. First, I’m so sorry he didn’t call and come back. Honestly, to me it sounds like he was deliberately trying to hurt you to make his decision easy. Maybe he said all those hurtful things so you would tell him to leave?? There is no reason to bring up weight gain, tell you to date, or to tell you there is no such thing as unconditional love. Don’t you love him unconditionally?? Don’t you even love him still? After he walked out on you? Yes, there is unconditional love. I do think he had another account and has been saving money which infuriates me.. That just shows you how premeditated this is. I don’t want to make you feel worse and I’m sure much of this has crossed your mind. I would send him the bills you can’t pay. He’s not even concerned about paying bills?? Sadie, I’m so, so sorry you have to go through this. But I want to say something loud and clear… This is not your fault, this is not infertility’s fault, and you did everything you could. A real man doesn’t walk out on his wife. He just doesn’t. Email me if you need to chat. We are here for you and we do care. Sending lots of love your way.

  5. Sadie – as much as this is a tragedy, it was beautifully written. Don’t even stop writing. I know it has helped me get through so many hard times. Know that tomorrow and each Wednesday there after means that your heart has a bit longer to mend itself. The pieces that he has shattered will slowly come back together. It may take a long time, but each Wednesday, I guarantee you the tiniest bit will merge together until you once again feel whole. Don’t dread each Wednesday, but know that you can and will make it through that day and all others to come. You have and you will.

  6. I agree with Autumn. This was so wonderfully written that I could your sadness and pain, but I was in awe that it was simply a blog post. It was like reading a short story or a really sad poem. Anyway, definitely keep writing and expressing your feelings. I am so sorry this has happened and especially the way it is happening.

    I don’t want to cause you more pain, but it sounds like this was not a rash decision. Not using your accounts, means he has money saved. It sounds a lot like he had already decided this a while ago. I know that doesn’t help, but I hope you can find a way to move on and find a new way to be happy.

  7. I found you from A Calm Persistence and just wanted to send my love and prayers to you. My heart goes out to you – I have no words or advice because I know that there is truly nothing that can be said to make this better. Stay strong, XOXO!

  8. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. What a life-altering heartbreak this is. Your writing, even full of such sorrow, is beautiful. I just found your blog through A Calm Persistence, and I definitely plan to keep reading.
    It does sound like your husband had made up his mind to leave, and said hurtful things so you would accept it as his final decision. Going through IVF is hard, and it sounds like he couldn’t handle the emotions or the reality of it. Any relationship he gets into will bring it’s own hardships, and perhaps he won’t be able to handle those either. You deserve a partner by your side who will love you through anything. You clearly have a huge heart, and you will love and be loved again.
    Getting through these days must be torture. I can only imagine the pain in your heart. But each day that distances him from you also brings you closer to finding happiness again. Surround yourself with people who love you and let them help you get through the days. xo

  9. I’m so sorry sweetie. I’m glad you’re starting to look after yourself again. I know this is not the time or what you want to hear but a lot of the things he said are unacceptable. Each day will be a tiny bit easier hang in there, although I know you don’t want to xx

  10. It is ridiculous that he brought up your weight. I think he really was saying those things to make you hate him so he would feel less guilt about leaving you. It breaks my heart for you though. I am glad to hear that you are eating a little again.

  11. A Calm Persistence posted that you needed some support, and I wanted to reach out and let you know you’re not alone. Even though we don’t know one another, I feel a kinship with you, as someone part of this community, who is suffering as many of us have, and then to be made to suffer again from the actions of the one person we all rely on most.

    I want you to know that five and a half years ago, I lost the man I thought was my “one”. He left me for someone else, and I swore all I wanted in the world was for him to come back, and became depressed and suicidal. It was the darkest time in my life, and it was so hard to recover, to build myself back up, and to believe life was worth living. This won’t be easy, but you are obviously a smart and capable woman, strong to have already survived so much, and I want you to know that you CAN get through this, and things WILL get better.

    If you ever need to talk, please reach out. I’m sure there are many people who love and care about you and want to help, and if you ever want to vent to a stranger, my email is the2ndbedroom at gmail. Take good care of yourself.

  12. I’m fairly certain I’ve told you this before, but I’ll say it again. I wish I could come and hug you. And there is so much I want to say, but looking back on the time in my life when my husband left me, well, I’m not sure it’s what you need to hear right now. I certainly don’t want to hurt you anymore than you are hurting, and I understand even my well-meaning may not come off as such right now. So for now, please just know I’ll thinking of you.

  13. I stumbled upon your blog in my recommended side bar and I couldn’t read and run without just giving you a giant e-hug. You deserve so much better than this and I hope that this is just a terrible hurtle on the road to finding happiness later on.

  14. Holy crap. I can’t believe it. I’m so so so sorry you’re going through this!!!! I seriously don’t know what to say…. What a nightmare. Please hang in there!! I know it doesn’t help right now, but you deserve so so so much better.

  15. I chanced upon ur blog and while we may have never met, I truly sense your anguish & have no words to say to it except take care. It’s horrible that he is such a coward to walk out on u. having been walked out before by the man I once loved, I could truly empathised with your pain. However trust me when I say one day u WILL wake up to all these alone, and yet knowing somehow u will be fine n u will go on being strong. The heartache will tug at u, there will
    Be moments of void trying to still make sense how could someone who
    U once loved turned into a monster, a stranger but u will survive all that. One day, the questions, the hurt, the anger, will pass. It took me at least a year to step out of the shadows with help from frens. I pray u will too soon. With all my love. Holly.

  16. I’m thinking of you, Sadie. I’m glad you are eating a little, showering a little. The most frightening and terrible thing is that the sun still rises and sets like nothing is amiss when in fact your whole world is unrecognisable.
    Keep writing, keep sharing, keep breathing. You are more than a wife, a lover, a team mate – you are also YOU, an amazing, loving, sensitive and kind woman.
    Be as good to you as you can x

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