Do you even know what you have done?

To my husband,

Every time I think I am done with crying, the tears start to fall again.

I am so frustrated. I just want to rip my hair out of my head. I can’t understand why you have done this to me. Did you ever love me at all? If you ever did, it’s very clear you don’t anymore.

How is it possible to feel this much anguish without cracking into a million pieces and crumbling to the floor? Why am I still standing here? How is it possible that losing you hurts so much more deeply than all of our miscarriages combined? I didn’t realise anything could hurt this much.

I want you to know that I think about my nieces every day. Well I guess they aren’t my nieces anymore are they? They’re just some little girls I used to know. The fact they meant the world to me is completely irrelevant. I think about them and my heart physically aches because I know I will never get to see them again. I never even got the chance to say a proper goodbye before you callously ripped them from my life. I will never forgive you for that.

I hate you so much. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

I wish you misery and bad fortune and ill health and every other shitty thing I can think of.

And worse than hating you is the fact I am still so insanely in love with you.

You have clearly moved on. You have taken your passport and other important documents from our house. You even redirected your mail to where ever you are living now. I don’t even know where that is. Where are you now? Why aren’t you here with me, where you belong?

Me? I still sleep in between those sheets. The ones you slept on until you left me. They have been on our bed for 6 weeks now. They don’t smell like you anymore. No, not even a little. They are absolutely disgusting. I feel gross just lying in them. But every time I start to pull them off the bed, I falter and then leave them where they are. They are all I have left.

I still keep your towel on the rack in the bathroom. Sometimes I hug it, because every now and then it smells just a little bit like you. The other night I got out of bed at 2am, because I couldn’t sleep as usual, and I buried my face in that towel. I told the towel that I loved it and I missed it, because I certainly can’t say those things to you anymore. Yes that’s right I talk to towels now. This is what I have been reduced to. What I have become.

The other day my mother accidentally on purpose left $50 at my house, because she knows I have no money at the moment. I took that money and went to buy some groceries. Not that I really eat much these days, but it seemed like the responsible thing to do.

I was walking down the aisles at the supermarket and I saw that the boxes of frozen berries were on sale. The type that you like. I immediately went over to the freezer, picked up a box, and put it into my basket.

For about three seconds, I forgot that you were gone. For about three seconds, I was going to buy those berries and take them home to you. For about three seconds, my life was okay again.

Then I remembered. My fingers still curled tightly around the box, I felt as if somebody had just opened a trap door at my feet and I had plummeted straight through.

I panicked a little, and tried so hard to force down the lump in my throat. I glanced quickly up and down the aisle, worried that people were staring at the strange young woman having a melt down in the frozen section. But luckily I was alone. Alone, just like you want me to be.

Do you know I briefly considered just buying the berries and sending them to you? I knew that you liked them, and thought maybe it would be a nice gesture to show I still care.

But of course I can’t do that because I have no idea where you are living. And because you would probably laugh at me for caring about you, when you have forgotten me.

Putting those berries back on the shelf was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Do you want to know something else completely shameful? I have eaten so little, yet been so incredibly up tight and stressed for the past 5 weeks that I have now developed hemorrhoids. You have literally become a pain in the butt. I’m sure you would get a kick out of that. At least I can still laugh at myself.

I feel like I am on a runaway train. We used to be on this train together, and we knew exactly where we were headed. But I am alone now. There’s no driver anymore and the brakes have failed.

Every breath I take, every minute that passes, I am hurtling further and further away from everything I ever wanted in my life. Worse still, I have no idea where this train is headed. I am racing into an unknown abyss, and there’s absolutely no way to slow down or go back. I am screaming and crying and begging to stop, but there is nobody to hear me.

People say “think of this as an amazing opportunity!” and “you can do anything your heart desires now!” and “you can go out and find an even better man!”

What they don’t understand is that my heart desires you. I already had exactly what I wanted in life. An amazing husband, a beautiful home, the chance to have a baby. That’s all I ever wanted. That was my ultimate. It was already in the palm of my hand. My dreams had already come true. Well, they were going to come true once we finally managed to have a child together.

I don’t want a new adventure. I don’t want to face the reality that I will never have children now. I don’t want a new man. I don’t want a new house. I don’t want a new job. I don’t want any of this.

Damn you for putting me through this Doug. Do you even know what you have done? Do you even care?

I will never get over this. I will never forgive you. I will never let another person destroy me the way you have astronomically destroyed me.

I love you.

I miss you.

I want you.

I need you.

Please don’t make me do this.

I am nothing without you.

I hate you.

I will never forgive you.

Tell the devil I said hi when you get back to where you’re from.

Your wife,

Sadie

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22 thoughts on “Do you even know what you have done?

  1. Sadie, I am so sorry – I wish this was a made up short story and not a blog about how you’re actually feeling xxx try to keep strong and take each day at a time. I hope you have people around you who are helping to hold you up xx I wish I knew you in person and could try to help – this is such a hard difficult time but please know you are not alone even if it is only people like me who read your story and feel for you and offer our love. You are strong and you will get through this it’s just hard to believe when you feel so much pain right now xxx sending you a hug from Scotland xxx

    • Thank you so much for your kindness. I feel like writing down my thoughts is the only thing helping me at the moment. Usually after I have finished writing I feel like some of the pressure is released and I can stop crying for a while. I feel so incredibly alone here. My family are trying to be very supportive but they are so angry at my husband and when I cry and tell them how much I miss him they can’t understand why. It’s very comforting to know people are thinking of me, even if they’re half way around the world!

      • If writing it down helps then keep doing it you have found a way to ease your pain if even only for a while. Your family won’t be able to understand because their emotions are invested in you and not him – unfortunately that’s where you differ from them! Keep talking to them though and don’t shut them off xx thinking of you and wishing I could help xx

  2. Oh Sadie! I wept when I read this and I can’t even put into words how sorry I am that you are having to endure so much pain and heartache. I really feel a strong tug to send you something…a gift. Would that be okay? If so, can you email me your address to 10hopeingod@gmail.com? If not, I completely understand. Xo

    My blog is waitingforbabybird.com

    • Thank you. During the day I am ok but the pain is quite unbearable at night. A month ago it was unbearable 24 hours a day so clearly I am improving. Small steps.

  3. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly right now. It can be difficult for those who love you to understand how you could still love someone who hurt you so deeply. I’m sure they just want to protect your heart and want to help you feel the self-worth they know you are deserving of. But of course you can’t just turn this kind of love off. You were committed to this marriage and to the idea of him being your partner for the rest of your life. That’s a huge loss, regardless of what good lies ahead for you in your future. And it sounds like everyone who knows you believes there will be happiness in your future. I don’t want to sound patronizing, or like I know how you feel. But I know it’s hard to see any light when you’re in the midst of darkness, but eventually it won’t be so dark.
    Thinking of you.

    • Thank you I find it so difficult to explain to people that I still love him so much and at the moment he could do or say anything to me but I would still love him. People around me just can’t comprehend it. I really hope I find a way out of this darkness soon.

  4. Sadie – one day, you will get to a place of forgiveness. You will forgive Doug, not for his sake, but for your own. Until then, feel those emotions and let them out. The hurt has to come before the healing can begin. *bigs hugs*

  5. Sadie,

    I remember having these thoughts and these feelings when I went through the divorce with my first husband. I held on to him emotionally for a long time despite how he screwed me over and completely destroyed my life. I begged him to reconsider, this man who had been so awful to me, I begged…

    I’m not proud about what I was like then, but I certainly don’t blame myself, because really only he was to blame for being such a huge prat. Eventually I moved on, and it finally ceased about 4 years after the last time I saw him, I didn’t need to think of him anymore and now 6 years later, I just have pity on him that he was so weak and pathetic.

    • How did you make it through? I can’t ever imagine getting over this or not loving him. How did you find a way to move forward with your life? I am feeling so lost.

      • It took time, I think and beginning to come to terms with the fact that he had shattered my self confidence some. I focused on feeling better about myself and feeling like I deserved happiness and definitely a better man. Being angry really only hurt me, so I slowly let go of that too.

        I see the way my current husband handles issues in our life with such calm and supportive love and I really wish young me could have met him, if only to see that I could have demanded better from relationships and that someone who loves and/or cares about you doesn’t abandon you in a time of need.

  6. I’m sort of glad to see you getting mad. It means progress, though I’m sure it feels far from it. You will be okay. You will be okay.

    • I go through phases of being mad and phases of weeping. But I think you’re right that this is progress. I just need to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

  7. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. I went through a terrible divorce in my 20s. I want to tell you that it WILL get better, but I know that’s not very comforting in the moment. I will say that it was the hardest thing I ever went through and changed me forever (in good ways, mostly). And at this point, 13 years later, I’m so glad to be the person I became. It’s so hard, though, I know, and I’m sending hugs to you from across the ocean.

  8. Hi Sadie. I found your blog through google. I was looking for IVF stories since one of my best friends is going through her first IVF right now. I have to say that I’ve been reading your blog waiting for a miracle. Your babies deserve a better father and maybe that’s why it never happened. Someday you’ll have the baby you always wanted without any treatment with someone who loves you unconditionally. Sending you a big hug from a caribbean island halfway around the world.

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