To my husband,
Every time I think I am done with crying, the tears start to fall again.
I am so frustrated. I just want to rip my hair out of my head. I can’t understand why you have done this to me. Did you ever love me at all? If you ever did, it’s very clear you don’t anymore.
How is it possible to feel this much anguish without cracking into a million pieces and crumbling to the floor? Why am I still standing here? How is it possible that losing you hurts so much more deeply than all of our miscarriages combined? I didn’t realise anything could hurt this much.
I want you to know that I think about my nieces every day. Well I guess they aren’t my nieces anymore are they? They’re just some little girls I used to know. The fact they meant the world to me is completely irrelevant. I think about them and my heart physically aches because I know I will never get to see them again. I never even got the chance to say a proper goodbye before you callously ripped them from my life. I will never forgive you for that.
I hate you so much. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I wish you misery and bad fortune and ill health and every other shitty thing I can think of.
And worse than hating you is the fact I am still so insanely in love with you.
You have clearly moved on. You have taken your passport and other important documents from our house. You even redirected your mail to where ever you are living now. I don’t even know where that is. Where are you now? Why aren’t you here with me, where you belong?
Me? I still sleep in between those sheets. The ones you slept on until you left me. They have been on our bed for 6 weeks now. They don’t smell like you anymore. No, not even a little. They are absolutely disgusting. I feel gross just lying in them. But every time I start to pull them off the bed, I falter and then leave them where they are. They are all I have left.
I still keep your towel on the rack in the bathroom. Sometimes I hug it, because every now and then it smells just a little bit like you. The other night I got out of bed at 2am, because I couldn’t sleep as usual, and I buried my face in that towel. I told the towel that I loved it and I missed it, because I certainly can’t say those things to you anymore. Yes that’s right I talk to towels now. This is what I have been reduced to. What I have become.
The other day my mother accidentally on purpose left $50 at my house, because she knows I have no money at the moment. I took that money and went to buy some groceries. Not that I really eat much these days, but it seemed like the responsible thing to do.
I was walking down the aisles at the supermarket and I saw that the boxes of frozen berries were on sale. The type that you like. I immediately went over to the freezer, picked up a box, and put it into my basket.
For about three seconds, I forgot that you were gone. For about three seconds, I was going to buy those berries and take them home to you. For about three seconds, my life was okay again.
Then I remembered. My fingers still curled tightly around the box, I felt as if somebody had just opened a trap door at my feet and I had plummeted straight through.
I panicked a little, and tried so hard to force down the lump in my throat. I glanced quickly up and down the aisle, worried that people were staring at the strange young woman having a melt down in the frozen section. But luckily I was alone. Alone, just like you want me to be.
Do you know I briefly considered just buying the berries and sending them to you? I knew that you liked them, and thought maybe it would be a nice gesture to show I still care.
But of course I can’t do that because I have no idea where you are living. And because you would probably laugh at me for caring about you, when you have forgotten me.
Putting those berries back on the shelf was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Do you want to know something else completely shameful? I have eaten so little, yet been so incredibly up tight and stressed for the past 5 weeks that I have now developed hemorrhoids. You have literally become a pain in the butt. I’m sure you would get a kick out of that. At least I can still laugh at myself.
I feel like I am on a runaway train. We used to be on this train together, and we knew exactly where we were headed. But I am alone now. There’s no driver anymore and the brakes have failed.
Every breath I take, every minute that passes, I am hurtling further and further away from everything I ever wanted in my life. Worse still, I have no idea where this train is headed. I am racing into an unknown abyss, and there’s absolutely no way to slow down or go back. I am screaming and crying and begging to stop, but there is nobody to hear me.
People say “think of this as an amazing opportunity!” and “you can do anything your heart desires now!” and “you can go out and find an even better man!”
What they don’t understand is that my heart desires you. I already had exactly what I wanted in life. An amazing husband, a beautiful home, the chance to have a baby. That’s all I ever wanted. That was my ultimate. It was already in the palm of my hand. My dreams had already come true. Well, they were going to come true once we finally managed to have a child together.
I don’t want a new adventure. I don’t want to face the reality that I will never have children now. I don’t want a new man. I don’t want a new house. I don’t want a new job. I don’t want any of this.
Damn you for putting me through this Doug. Do you even know what you have done? Do you even care?
I will never get over this. I will never forgive you. I will never let another person destroy me the way you have astronomically destroyed me.
I love you.
I miss you.
I want you.
I need you.
Please don’t make me do this.
I am nothing without you.
I hate you.
I will never forgive you.
Tell the devil I said hi when you get back to where you’re from.