I have struggled for a long time with the concept that my entire family has left me behind.
My children all died before I could hold them in my arms, and then their father turned his back on me. They all abandoned me.
I have felt soul crushing defeat these past days. I did not imagine my life turning out like this. I did not ever guess that I would be the last man standing. I have felt desolate and disturbed.
But today something interesting occurred to me. I realised that I am very, very wrong. I am in fact not alone here in this home that was meant to house our family. I have never been alone.
First of all I have my own self. My own strength, and fight, and determination. I have that voice in my head that keeps whispering don’t give up Sadie, don’t give up…
Then there’s our beautiful little dog. He is here with me always. He sleeps by my side in this bed I once shared with my husband, with his head tucked carefully into my neck. If I shift in the night he shifts with me, and gently licks my shoulder to remind me that he is here keeping me safe.
And my children really haven’t left me at all. My children, who lived and died inside my own womb. No one knew them like I knew them. No one loved them like I loved them. No one remembers them like I remember them.
They are here with me every second of every minute of every hour. When my own strength falters, I draw strength from them. Their spirits propel me ever forward. They pick me up when I haven’t the energy to pick myself up. I want them to be proud of their mummy. I want them to know that their mummy never gave up, even in the face of tremendous adversity.
So you see, I am not alone at all. Everyone who matters is still right here with me. Everyone who matters loves me unconditionally and will never leave me.
It is he who is alone.
It is he who has lost his family.
It is he who will soon be left behind.
And by the time he realises it, his family will be long gone and we are never coming back.