Alone

I have struggled for a long time with the concept that my entire family has left me behind.

My children all died before I could hold them in my arms, and then their father turned his back on me. They all abandoned me.

I have felt soul crushing defeat these past days. I did not imagine my life turning out like this. I did not ever guess that I would be the last man standing. I have felt desolate and disturbed.

But today something interesting occurred to me. I realised that I am very, very wrong. I am in fact not alone here in this home that was meant to house our family. I have never been alone.

First of all I have my own self. My own strength, and fight, and determination. I have that voice in my head that keeps whispering don’t give up Sadie, don’t give up…

Then there’s our beautiful little dog. He is here with me always. He sleeps by my side in this bed I once shared with my husband, with his head tucked carefully into my neck. If I shift in the night he shifts with me, and gently licks my shoulder to remind me that he is here keeping me safe.

And my children really haven’t left me at all. My children, who lived and died inside my own womb. No one knew them like I knew them. No one loved them like I loved them. No one remembers them like I remember them.

They are here with me every second of every minute of every hour. When my own strength falters, I draw strength from them. Their spirits propel me ever forward. They pick me up when I haven’t the energy to pick myself up. I want them to be proud of their mummy. I want them to know that their mummy never gave up, even in the face of tremendous adversity.

So you see, I am not alone at all. Everyone who matters is still right here with me. Everyone who matters loves me unconditionally and will never leave me.

It is he who is alone.

It is he who has lost his family.

It is he who will soon be left behind.

And by the time he realises it, his family will be long gone and we are never coming back.

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16 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Oh.. that’s so true what you said about your babies. I completely feel like they are with you. I feel that way about my babies too. Sometimes I look at how I’m handling everything and think, “What are my babies thinking of this right now?” They are with us. They truly are. I see them in so many things throughout my day. And that little dog too.. he knows you love him and he will protect you. He knows you need him. There is something about dogs.. they just know. They are much more complex than some people give them credit for. At the end of the day.. you will be the one that is proud of how you handled yourself and Doug, he cannot say the same. No man could ever be proud of what he did to you. You, Sadie are amazing and so strong.

    • I am really truly hoping you are right. I’m hoping in years to come I can look back on these dark days and feel proud of myself for never once letting him get the better of me. He can strip away every part of me, and steal every dream from my heart, but he can’t take my essence and he can’t destroy who I am as a person. And yes you’re so right about dogs. My little one didn’t eat for days when Doug left because he was so distressed but now he is my little buddy he never leaves my side when I’m at home. Every day he gives me the unconditional love that Doug could never give me.

  2. I picture my babies with me too sometimes. A trail of plodding, sleepy children following me around. I love those moments when I can feel them there. I’ve never told anyone about that before. No one else would really understand.

    • It probably sounds lame to outsiders but I love it when I can feel them here with me. They’re part of everything I do now and nobody can take that from me. Same for you – nobody can ever take that feeling away from you. Did you recently get a tattoo to remember your babies? Or was that someone else?

    • I have a black toy poodle πŸ™‚ He is very small for a poodle he is barely 2kg but he doesn’t know he is a dog he thinks he is a baby. He likes me to cradle him like a baby and rock him to sleep. He is very sweet but very clingy since Doug left.

  3. Sadie,

    You are ALONE. You know why because when your ex husband find a hot new young wife to build a family with you’ll still be bitter and barren.

  4. This is awesome. I named all of my babies. We picked out unisex names and that way I when I think of my angel babies they have a name and a personality. I love this post you are strong person and it is his loss. As for the troll “Doug” it is amazing how ignorant and insensitive you are and this woman has more guts then you to share her thoughts and stories instead of hiding behind a fake account.

  5. You’re right, you’re not alone. And when you are physically alone, as we all are at times, you (strong, smart, caring, loving) will be good company to yourself too. I can’t imagine that someone as heartless as Doug (and fake Doug) could really stand to be alone with their own thoughts for too long. And of course, pets are great friends and great therapy. πŸ™‚
    As for fake Doug, I feel sorry for his friends and family– that they have such a callous person in their lives. He must be quite lonely and bitter to be spending his time trolling around on IF blogs.

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