A free ride when you’ve already paid

It’s just past 1am.

Still hours until I expect I’ll fall asleep, even though I have to be up at 7 for work.

But tonight has been a very bad night. Tonight may have been the roughest night for me since I first chose to get out of bed in the days after my husband left me.

I have been solidly crying for over five hours now. My brother is working the night shift at the hospital and my parents are away on vacation so there is genuinely nobody around me at this time. I have to face this on my own.

Do you remember about a week ago my husband told me that he was having the internet service disconnected at our home? Well he had informed me that he would not require the modem. He told me to keep the modem and have new internet connected to the property in my own name. How very gracious of him.

Disregarding the fact I can’t afford internet right now, I was actually extremely relieved that in the future when my circumstances have (hopefully) improved I will not need to worry about purchasing a modem. It was going to be one less thing to stress about.

But this afternoon at 4pm he texted to say he would be requiring the modem after all, and that I would need to leave it in the letterbox for him to pick up.

Just like that.

This man, who claimed he would love me until he took his last breath. This man, who earns a ridiculous wage and drives around in a luxury company car while he chats on his company phone. This man was demanding I hand over a little plastic modem to him.

So that really shook me. Coupled with the fact I haven’t much slept in weeks, I didn’t deal with the news very well. It was something inconsequential, but just awful enough to properly upset me.

But to make matters much worse, I had one of those moments tonight where something incredible dawns on you. An epiphany. An ah-ha! moment.

You see, for days now I have been bloated and noticing a lot of egg white cervical mucus. I never get EWCM because I am anovulatory.

Then yesterday I caught myself feeling a little frisky for the first time since my husband walked out. The feeling really surprised me, even though it passed quite quickly.

Finally, after I had been crying for about half an hour this evening, I became acutely aware of a strong cramping on my lower right side.

“Oh great,” I sobbed. “Now my right ovary is joining the party. Can’t I even catch a break here?”

And then it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I am on day 15 of my cycle.

I am ovulating.

I. Am. Ovulating.

I am ovulating on my own, without any sort of medical intervention, for the first time in my entire life. Let that sink in for a moment. The first time in my entire life.

And where is my husband?  He’s gone, baby, gone. Oh the glorious irony.

How could this be happening to me? Why is my body doing this? It had years to cooperate, but it never once came to the party. I feel like this is a disgusting, cruel joke.

And so I just lost it. I cried and cried and cried. The fact I am ovulating is truly devastating to me. I have wanted this terribly for the past 3 years and it has finally happened the month after my husband leaves me. Seriously?!

You’d think I could cry myself to sleep by now, but apparently whilst my reproductive system is becoming functional my brain is still being stubborn.

I desperately wanted to phone my husband and say “Darling guess what? I’m ovulating! Can you believe it?”

My infertility was something very private that we shared mostly with each other, so naturally he is the person I wanted to share this news with. I wanted to tell him so badly. So badly. But obviously that isn’t an option, so instead I’ve just sat here and sobbed hysterically.

I hate my body. Hate, hate, hate, hate. How could it do this to me now? How? This is not the time for ovulation. Please just give me a friggen break from my friggen life!

So often I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But then I remember that if you want to wake up from something you first need to fall asleep.

Well, shit. Looks like I’m going to be here a while.

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25 thoughts on “A free ride when you’ve already paid

  1. That is a cruel irony and I’m so sorry. “God” has a sick sense of humor sometimes. But on another note, I really hope at some point you will exercise your rights in the financials. Be uncooperative, Sadie! Why should you make this all so easy for him when you are entitled to half the assets?

    • You’re very right! I’m too cooperative for my own good! Unfortunately I’ve always been a nice girl. I thought my husband was a nice boy but clearly I was very wrong.

  2. Hi Sadie, I hope it’s ok for me to comment on here considering I only came across your blog today. I just wanted to say that while I don’t know you, after reading some of your articles I really feel for you and wish life was treating you far better than this. Infertility makes me so bloody angry…it leaves such destruction in it’s wake. But worse than that, it makes sure that the rest of society has no clue to the pain it causes, only adding to the heartache. And I’m really sorry that ultimately this has led to the break down of your marriage.

    I completely understand how you feel about hating your body. I know what it’s like to just want your body to work like everyone else’s does, it’s not to much to ask really is it!?! I really hope your body comes through for you in the end. I know you are not in the right place at the moment to see it this way but take the fact that you are ovulating as a positive thing…your body is doing what it should, which means it can and will do again. Just bear that in mind.

    Keep looking after yourself and give yourself some tlc, you deserve it petal. Just know that there are people halfway around the world, strangers who understand your pain, thinking of you right now. I hope that helps in some small way.

    S xx

    P.s. As for your husband’s modem, if he has left for good, tell him to class it as collateral damage. You don’t get to walk away from a marriage and have everything your own way. I think you are well within your rights to tell him to royally sod off. Why should you be without a modem?!

    P.p.s Please, if you do nothing else, change your bed sheets 🙂 . Trust me, you will feel much better in a clean bed. xx

    • I will take your advice on board and try to change my sheets! I attempt it every day but I don’t have the courage yet. I promise I’m trying to get rid of them. I really have no idea why I’m so irrationally attached to them.

      I’m very appreciative of your kind words. I cannot properly express how comforted I am that there are people thinking of me right now. Even if they are strangers and they are half way around the world. I often lie awake at night and read the comments people have left me. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you 🙂

  3. He is pathetic. That’s all I have to say.

    Be strong, Sadie! This is not the man you thought you had married, and he sure as hell doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to be with now. He’s shown his true, ugly colours.

    Life takes some weird turns, but go with the flow for now and see what opportunities lie ahead. No doubt your life will be infinitely better than his, if this is anything to go by xx

  4. I think I may be the only one who got excited about this-you’re ovulating! Your body is finally cooperating and letting you know that it can function, so perhaps, when you are ready, you and your next love will be successful in having a baby. Maybe thats overly hopeful, but I would love to think you have good things ahead of all this pain.

  5. I know that this is hard to hear but I think that the fact that you’re ovulating now that he’s gone is clearly an indication that this is the right direction for you even though it’s hard to believe right now. I’m so sorry for your pain. Please try to see the silver lining in this. Your body is proving that it IS capable of doing what it should.

  6. As far as ovulation goes, I second Maria’s comment. As far as the modem goes, everything in that house is yours as much as his (maybe more, he chose to leave it after all). If you do decided to give him anything don’t leave it in the letter box. Make him face you if he wants it so bad–same goes for the alcohol. Don’t let him tell you that you ‘must’ do anything. You get to decide what you do, you are in control. Not him.

    I also agree with Mrs S, you will feel more empowered when you clean those bed sheets. Step one to moving on. Buy new ones if you have to.

    Take care and hang in there. Nothing is permanent and that includes pain.

    -K

    • I left the modem in the letterbox and it was gone when I got home from work today. I’m not mentally in a place where I can face him right now anyway so I think it’s for the best. And I really hope you’re right about this pain not being permanent. At the moment I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.

      • For all the advice all we strangers can give, only you will know when you’re ready to take certain steps. Just know, that time will come and we’re all here rooting for you in the meantime 😉

  7. I agree with Maria and gradualchanges – I am sure it’s impossible for you to see any good right now, but I do believe it’s more than just coincidence that now that he is gone you are ovulating. I would take it as encouragement that you are getting healthier already, without him. It brings to mind one of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis: “There are far far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” I believe in you and I am hopeful that today will be a better day! Thinking of you.

  8. Hello Sadie. I came across your blog today. I am new to blogging. I have read a few of your most recent posts along with your bio and I have to say you are one strong woman. I hope you do not mind me saying that your husband doesn’t deserve a kick ass lady such as yourself. In reading these comments I must also agree that your body is trying to tell you something by choosing now to ovulate. I believe in trusting the universe, and even though it may hurt like hell I do believe there is a larger plan for us all, even if we don’t know or understand what that plan is.
    Although it’s normal, don’t hate your body. This is the body you were born with and you don’t need to make apologies for it. Be proud of who you are. Your husband is blaming you for leaving when the only person he has to blame is himself, and he needs to own that. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

    • Thanks for your comment! And also thanks for saying I’m kick ass. I feel the absolute opposite of kick ass at the moment so it’s nice to hear it from someone. Hopefully one day in the future I can believe it myself.

  9. shew sadie, i came across your blog today and your excruciating pain feels so overwhelming. I’m really sorry your husband chose to deal with his pain and depression by running away…. i can’t even imagine how devastating that must be for you. And the cruel irony of ovulating on your own for the first time in your life….there are no words. Please take my advice with a pinch of salt if its not helpful and/or annoying but I am a psychologist and if you came to see me I would definitely suggest going to a doctor for some medication to help you sleep and perhaps an anti depressant to help your mood. These medications won’t take away the pain but if you could start sleeping again and maybe feel just a little lift in your mood, the utter darkness you are in right now might start lifting. And then I would suggest weekly counselling to offer you the space and support to continue grieving….but not alone.

    • Thank you so much for your comment I really appreciate your support. Do you mind if I ask you a question? I have been told that a lot of anti depressants cause you to put on weight. You might have read that Doug told me that I was fat and unattractive when he left me. That coupled with the fact I seemingly can’t carry a child has given me an extremely negative view of my body and I don’t know how I’d cope if I started putting on more weight. I am seriously starting to believe I need some medication to help me but I don’t want it to do more harm than good…

      • Some anti depressants can but there are plenty that don’t. Also, bear in mind that depression and infertility play havoc on your weight… I have gained 10kgs since our infertility journey started… I know it’s hard but try and see Doug’s comments as more of a reflection on him than on you… Our marriage vows didn’t say until weight or infertility do us part and the fact that he couldn’t stay the distance when Gibbs got tough is no reflection on you! I have been on anti depressants for a year now and do not think they are the cause of my weight gain… And I have certainly needed them when things have gotten really bad infertility wise. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to start lifting yourself up. Ps. Don’t even wash the sheets… Burn them and go out and buy yourself lovely new ones.

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