It’s just past 1am.
Still hours until I expect I’ll fall asleep, even though I have to be up at 7 for work.
But tonight has been a very bad night. Tonight may have been the roughest night for me since I first chose to get out of bed in the days after my husband left me.
I have been solidly crying for over five hours now. My brother is working the night shift at the hospital and my parents are away on vacation so there is genuinely nobody around me at this time. I have to face this on my own.
Do you remember about a week ago my husband told me that he was having the internet service disconnected at our home? Well he had informed me that he would not require the modem. He told me to keep the modem and have new internet connected to the property in my own name. How very gracious of him.
Disregarding the fact I can’t afford internet right now, I was actually extremely relieved that in the future when my circumstances have (hopefully) improved I will not need to worry about purchasing a modem. It was going to be one less thing to stress about.
But this afternoon at 4pm he texted to say he would be requiring the modem after all, and that I would need to leave it in the letterbox for him to pick up.
Just like that.
This man, who claimed he would love me until he took his last breath. This man, who earns a ridiculous wage and drives around in a luxury company car while he chats on his company phone. This man was demanding I hand over a little plastic modem to him.
So that really shook me. Coupled with the fact I haven’t much slept in weeks, I didn’t deal with the news very well. It was something inconsequential, but just awful enough to properly upset me.
But to make matters much worse, I had one of those moments tonight where something incredible dawns on you. An epiphany. An ah-ha! moment.
You see, for days now I have been bloated and noticing a lot of egg white cervical mucus. I never get EWCM because I am anovulatory.
Then yesterday I caught myself feeling a little frisky for the first time since my husband walked out. The feeling really surprised me, even though it passed quite quickly.
Finally, after I had been crying for about half an hour this evening, I became acutely aware of a strong cramping on my lower right side.
“Oh great,” I sobbed. “Now my right ovary is joining the party. Can’t I even catch a break here?”
And then it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I am on day 15 of my cycle.
I am ovulating.
I. Am. Ovulating.
I am ovulating on my own, without any sort of medical intervention, for the first time in my entire life. Let that sink in for a moment. The first time in my entire life.
And where is my husband? He’s gone, baby, gone. Oh the glorious irony.
How could this be happening to me? Why is my body doing this? It had years to cooperate, but it never once came to the party. I feel like this is a disgusting, cruel joke.
And so I just lost it. I cried and cried and cried. The fact I am ovulating is truly devastating to me. I have wanted this terribly for the past 3 years and it has finally happened the month after my husband leaves me. Seriously?!
You’d think I could cry myself to sleep by now, but apparently whilst my reproductive system is becoming functional my brain is still being stubborn.
I desperately wanted to phone my husband and say “Darling guess what? I’m ovulating! Can you believe it?”
My infertility was something very private that we shared mostly with each other, so naturally he is the person I wanted to share this news with. I wanted to tell him so badly. So badly. But obviously that isn’t an option, so instead I’ve just sat here and sobbed hysterically.
I hate my body. Hate, hate, hate, hate. How could it do this to me now? How? This is not the time for ovulation. Please just give me a friggen break from my friggen life!
So often I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. But then I remember that if you want to wake up from something you first need to fall asleep.
Well, shit. Looks like I’m going to be here a while.