I think I had an hallucination last night.
Is it a hallucination or an hallucination? Either way I think I had one. And that’s a bit scary because I’ve never had one before.
It was probably about 3am. I can remember checking my clock at 2.30 so I mustn’t have been asleep for very long. But I awoke very suddenly, and I was filled with a strangely disturbing fear even though I hadn’t been dreaming. Panicked, I pushed back the blankets and leapt out of bed.
My dog Arnie, who had been happily sleeping on my stomach, groaned and sat up. I stumbled a few steps away from the bed and pressed my back up against the closest wall. The bedroom was softly illuminated and I could see quite well because I’ve been sleeping with the light switched on in my walk-in wardrobe.
I glanced around, trying to find a source for what had awoken me, but saw nothing. Then I looked up at the bedroom door, which was closed. I could hear a strange sizzling, slurping sound and then I saw this black goop oozing rapidly through the frame of the door. It looked sort of like really thick oil. Seconds later the weird noise stopped, and the black slime retracted to the other side of the door. In an instant it was completely gone.
Clearly my dog didn’t see such a thing or hear any such noise, because he just sat there looking at me like I was some kind of idiot. I stood there for a few more minutes, staring silently at the door and waiting for something to happen. Of course nothing did.
In my sleep deprived state I strongly suspected it was large spiders that were responsible for the black goop. Because, you know, that’s obvious isn’t it? When there’s a highly suspicious black substance seeping through your bedroom door at 3am it’s bound to be caused by spiders. Did you not realise that spiders are commonly known for carrying around buckets of slime?
After a while I figured that there was no way the spiders could get into the bedroom without unlocking the door, so I crawled back into bed and went to sleep. I didn’t wake up this morning until 10am. Good thing it’s Saturday and I didn’t have anywhere to be.
I think that the seven hours of solid sleep did me really good. That’s the most I’ve slept in weeks and I’m pretty certain I really, really needed it.
I conducted a google investigation this morning and surprise surprise – one of the leading causes of visual and auditory hallucinations (apart from the obvious like mental illness or drug induced psychosis) is sustained lack of sleep. It’s been more than six weeks since I’ve managed a full night’s sleep so that makes perfect sense.
I’m trying so hard to sleep. I really am. In fact I think I might be trying too hard to sleep and hindering my own efforts. I’ve become too conscious of the fact I’m trying to trick my brain into sleeping.
I’ve tried meditation, relaxation music, an app that plays sounds of the ocean, lights off, lights on, more blankets, less blankets, having a bath before bed, warm milk with honey, gym before bed, no gym before bed, reading until I’m tired, sleeping in my husband’s clothes, getting up and walking around in the night, counting sheep, and herbal sleep remedies. Pretty much everything except proper sleeping pills.
When I go to bed at night I miss my husband so much and I just can’t seem to shut my mind off. Sometimes I am so angry at him and can’t stop thinking about how much I hate him. Other times I just lie there and cry and wish so much that I could phone him and beg him to come home. Either way, even when I’m ridiculously tired as soon as my head hits the pillow I am wide awake. I can lie there and wordlessly stare at the ceiling for hours if I allow myself.
I’m thinking I probably do need some hard core sleeping pills, but I’m just not sure of them. I took sleeping pills on the flight to Malaysia earlier this year. I reacted badly to them and ended up vomiting for hours. When I did eventually fall asleep, Doug said I spent hours twitching and violently throwing my arms around (which wasn’t a fun experience for him because he was seated next to me on the plane).
I’m also worried if I take sleeping pills I will be too groggy to get up for work in the morning. The last thing I need right now is to be in trouble at work for consistently being late.
If anyone has had a good experience with sleeping medication I’d love some advice! Or any other ideas to get me sleeping.
As always thank you all for your continued support. You guys are amazing. And I’m not just saying that because I want some advice…