It must be Wednesday

I’ve been sitting at my desk at work, quietly sobbing for about three hours now.

I can’t believe nobody has even noticed. Maybe I’m just really good at masking my pain now.

I received more bad news today. News I’m not even really ready to talk about yet.

I am so completely broken.

How am I ever going to be a whole person again?

I keep waiting for this miraculous day people keep talking about, where I wake up in the morning and I feel okay about my life.

I don’t believe in that day. I don’t believe it will ever come.

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why do other people get to have children but all my babies had to die?

Why do other wives feel loved and supported by their husbands in times of trouble, but mine couldn’t bail out fast enough?

I must be a terrible, horrible person. You have to be really really bad for your entire family to not want to be with you.

I just…I can’t. 

I can’t keep going but I can’t stop. I’m like a shark – if I stop swimming I’ll sink to the ocean floor and suffocate.

What did I do to deserve this life?

My husband is lucky he is escaped from me.

There is no goodness here.

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21 thoughts on “It must be Wednesday

  1. Oh my sweet dear… I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. I know from my own days spent crying at work that even if someone notices they’re usually to afraid to say anything. I really, really want you to see a mental health professional as soon as possible. You’re going through some really difficult stuff and there is no shame in getting help and support when you need it. I know it doesn’t feel like it but things WILL get better. It will happen slowly and it may take a while but it will happen. Hang in there… sending you love on behalf of this whole community.

  2. It’s nothing you did. You aren’t being punished, I promise you that. I’m sorry you are being tested right now and the hits just keep coming. Try to breathe and take it one hour at a time. Reach out for help if you need it. I’m so, so sorry bad things keep happening.

    • Thank you I really feel like I’m being punished at the moment but I’m trying to think more clearly about it and know this isn’t my fault. I have good moments and bad moments.

  3. No, you are lucky you escaped from such a horrible man that he would abandon you in a time of need and put all this financial pressure on you. That is something no decent human being would ever do to another, despite their feelings.

    I used to have a quote up on my wall by Winston Churchill, “If you are going through hell, keep going.” I recommend printing it out and pinning it up or googling an image of it and making it your background. Push through this hell and don’t stop pushing until you see sunshine.

    • It’s amazing that you used that quote! I used to say it all the time when we were going through IVF and Doug would roll his eyes and tell me that he hated Winston Churchill. On the night he left he scoffed at me that I would have to find a new motto because the Churchill quote belonged to both of us now!

  4. No no please dont think of it this way. I know you are thinking this is all your fault but it isnt. Your husband chose to bail out on you because he is a coward and he isnt strong enough to support you. I know you feel very broken and that you are dealt with a double blow but remember, when you have hit your worst and at the rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

    • I keep on thinking I have hit rock bottom and then things always seem to get worse. I really thought 2014 was going to be my year. I do have to agree with you that Doug is a coward. I even told him that on the night he left me. I hope things start to get better for me soon.

    • Thank you. I feel like I failed him in so many ways. If I’d been able to have a child he would surely still be here. I can’t stop thinking that my body failed my relationship.

  5. Words fail me, but I just wanted to share I am thinking of you and supporting you from afar. Maybe you could benefit from some professional counseling? There is a way out of the despair, although sometimes we can not see the light anymore by ourselves. We need the help and support of others. Thinking of you xo

    • I am seeing a counsellor but she said I need to work through my grief on my own and it’s not something she can really help me with. I may need to find someone else to talk to but psychologists are so expensive and I don’t really have the funds at the moment.

  6. Oh dear, I wish I could come hug you and tell you how awesome and strong you are. And that happy day will come, but it doesn’t come all at once, it’s not one day. It’s little things day by day that get easier, brighter, better. You’ll get there, in time, you will.

  7. So sorry you are having a rough time, but please know that none of this is your ‘fault’. You are cared for by many of us. I can imagine the pain you are feeling is deeper than any you have ever experienced, but please know that just means the joy that is coming will be more extreme than any you could ever imagine. I know it’s hard to believe and I don’t know why you are suffering right now, but hang in there. Life will get better and you will find happiness again! Much love.

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