Wtf

The birth story is coming along slowly – it’s long and I write it in bits and pieces when I’m awake and functional.

I just need to quickly vent about something…

My mum just woke me up from a nap and said “Guess what? I just saw something on Facebook and it looks like Doug is married.”

I feel like someone has just kicked my legs out from underneath me.

He got over me, forgot the traumas of our fertility struggles and miscarriages, met someone new, fell madly in love, got engaged and then got married all in just 22 months??

He had this strict rule – no talk of engagement for the first 3 years of any relationship because that’s how long it takes for the “happy chemicals” to wear off and only then can you tell if you really love someone.

Once again I feel completely displaced in my own life.

That was all a lie. It was just me. I wasn’t good enough. He is the only man I’ve ever loved and I simply wasn’t good enough.

I got really upset at my mum and demanded to know why she’d woken me up to tell me such horrible news and she shrugged and said “What does it matter to you? You have a baby now.”

I get it.

Everyone thinks that my heart is all repaired now. My baby magically healed everything.

But I’m alone.

It’s just me and my child.

An accidental pregnancy to a man who never wanted to have children with me. A man who doesn’t really care about anyone but himself.

Nobody to cuddle me at night and say “Don’t worry sweetheart I’ll get up to the baby this time.”

Nobody to share this amazing time with. Nobody to tell me how proud they are and how lucky they are to have created a family with me.

Instead I’ve got to deal with a man who quit his job two days before our daughter was born, has refused to give me any money to contribute to hospital costs or the cost of looking after a newborn, has only come to visit us once since we left hospital and showed very little interest, then went out yesterday and bought himself a new car for absolutely no reason.

Now I’m at an all time low. I have a baby to take care of, a deadbeat ex, enough emotional baggage to fill a football stadium, I’ve been forced to move in with my parents at the age of 30 and my entire stomach, butt and thighs are completely mangled by hideous stretch marks. I am basically unlovable.

Doug is married to someone else. And I am unlovable.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I know I’m supposed to be grateful for my miracle baby. Don’t get me wrong – I am. I really am. This isn’t about her.

I know all I seem to do is complain about petty meaningless shit on my blog. I’m aware how grating that must be.

But my little sleep deprived 3am fantasy that Doug will one day come back to me is dead now.

It’s so disgustingly sad that it’s been almost two years, I’ve gone and had a baby to another man and yet I can’t let go of my husband. The man who left me just days after my last miscarriage. A man who never once stopped and looked back. A man I should rightfully loathe.

To me, forever is forever. And that’s just all there is to it.

He said we were forever and I believed him.

Now he is some other girl’s forever.

I have my daughter but I am alone.

I am just so tired of being alone. Of never being worth it or good enough for the men in my life.

And it scares me that my incredible lack of self worth will be passed on to my beautiful daughter. That she will one day learn that her daddy never really wanted her and it will begin another vicious lifelong cycle of low self esteem and choosing to love men who are incapable of loving her back.

I don’t have an ending to this post. I know I’ll cop shit for whining about Doug yet again, especially now my baby is here.

Chalk it up to sleep deprivation if I’ve pissed you off. Or maybe this is the start of postnatal depression.

I’m going to raid the fridge for chocolate now.

That is all.

Sadie xx

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Wtf

  1. I think it’s perfectly fine for you to be floored by this. I think that it’s crazy for people to assume that all parts of your heart are healed up. I think that the baby filled the mother part of your heart, but we have a special placed in our heart for the significant others we have. I think that if you want your little one not to pick up low self esteem, instill in her the pride of know how valuable she is; how desperately YOU wanted her, how she can be anything and everything all on her own. I think that anyway you feel is okay and validated.

  2. you are lovable. you have an incredible amount of hormones surging through you and sleep deprivation is not helping. all hope seems lost in this time that is the blur of life with a new baby but you are lovable sweetie. I’m sorry this news has knocked you off your feet and made you feel so down about yourself.

  3. Oh fuck. Scuse my language but that would have sent me reeling even without crazy hormones and sleep deprivation. I’m so sorry. Know that you will not always feel this way… Time will pass and your soul and body will heal. But grieve for today. Oh… And if anyone wakes me up ever, even to give me a lovely piece of chocolate cake, I go absolutely bananas, so being woken from a peaceful and precious nap to be told THAT news would have sent me over the edge. Hugs.

  4. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now Sadie. I totally get the feelings, it took me 4 or 5 years to get over my ex and accept a life without him so there’s no timeline for it. It’s not even been 2 years for you, I think that’s such a short amount of time anyway, whether you have a child or not.

    Big hugs x

  5. Oh Sadie this is such shit news. Doug is an ass. Forever is supposed to be forever.
    But please know that this news is hitting you extra hard because of post birth hormones. You are at the mercy of them to a degree which sucks so bad.
    Poor timing by your mum!!
    Please make sure you talk this out with someone IRL because PND is very real and very dangerous and you and Harriet deserve much better.
    You are not unlovable because of two men out of millions. Doug had demons of his own that defeated him and your marriage was collateral damage. James is a self centred, immature male who refuses to accept responsibility for any of his actions. No reflection on you except maybe that you may see the good in people too much. Which is a positive in you.
    I hope you are feeling strong and happy soon. You are someone’s world now…her whole universe….be a sun for her xx

  6. Just because he is married does not mean he has promised her forever. Clearly he doesn’t really know what that means. If he left you when shit got real he will undoubtedly do the same to her. Babies, marriages, divorces, they don’t fix the root of the problem. They are all just a part of the instant gratification our society has come accustom to. Just as your baby didn’t fix your broken heart, don’t assume that a marriage fixed his. For all you know he was horribly broken hearted when he saw you become a mother and made a decision that he thought would instantly make him feel a little better. Having a baby with a man you aren’t married to is probably really out of character for you (from what I’ve read of your blog so far), so it would make sense that he is now doing something very out of character for him.

    Focus on you and your daughter. Maybe even seek some counseling. At the end of the day the quick fixes and things we do to make ourselves feel better don’t mean anything if you don’t deal with the core of your heartache. You will continue to put yourself in less than desirable situations because it’s what you think you deserve.

    • Hi! Yes I’m ok! I have a half written post about Harriet’s birth that I keep trying to finish but I’m so overwhelmed by motherhood and life in general (for example constant mastitis right now plus the whole James situation) at the moment that I haven’t had the chance. How are you doing?? I have been wondering 🙂

      • I can understand that overwhelmingness! Bloody James. I’m sorry he’s still obviously a pain for you 😦 and mastitis as well – that sucks…. seems nothing is straightforward is it?!
        We are doing ok. J is a challenging bub but we are getting there. Thanks for thinking of us x

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s