I’m still here (and photos!)

Wowzers. Sorry for being away so long.

Motherhood (particularly as a single mum) has knocked me around very badly. I truly never expected it to be this hard. 

I’ve been battling so many issues that I never thought I’d have to deal with and the anxiety is incredible. I won’t even bother mentioning Harriet’s traumatic birth because I’ll save that for a different post but I’m sure you’ll want some highlights from the past two months…

For starters I’ve got massive breastfeeding problems – I’ve had mastitis six times already. Three times required antibiotics and one was so bad I needed hospitalization. 

The constant antibiotics gave me nipple thrush which is treatment resistent and has now gotten into my milk ducts. It has started travelling to other parts of my body and I now have it in my throat and mouth too.

It means my let-downs feel like someone is pouring acid on my chest and every time Harriet feeds I cry from pain. They keep treating me but it’s not improving.

Hmm what else? Oh yes. James had a total break-down when Harriet was a couple of weeks old and his treatment of me became so terrible even he finally realised he had a massive problem. So I finally got him to a doctor’s clinic and on antidepressants. 

Again, this is a whole other post for another time but let’s just say he has made adjusting to parenthood ten times harder than it should be. I felt like I was raising two children.

I’ve also been struggling massively with anxiety. I’m paranoid Harriet is going to die in her sleep, paranoid she hates me, paranoid I’m going to die and leave her to be raised by James and paranoid she isn’t hitting her milestones or something is wrong with her.

For the first few weeks I didn’t bond with her at all. I would cry and scream and tell my mother something was wrong with me. I needed so badly to protect her and keep her alive but at the same time felt no affection for her. 

The doctor suspects it was due to the fact we were separated straight away when she was born and I didn’t really see her for the first few days so we had no initial skin to skin etc. It was terrifying and the moment the love finally hit me was just utter relief. 

Oh and it’s worth mentioning once again that my ex got remarried just to add to all the fun.

Honestly I have so many half written posts to eventually finish and publish. And the longer I leave it the harder it will be to catch up and say everything I want to say. Except right now I’m not strong enough and I don’t have the energy.

But I swear it’s not all bad! Harriet is 9 weeks old now and time is flying so I thought I’d at least post some photos to see you all through until I can actually post something substantial. And maybe some of the photos will speak for themselves.

All I can say is that she is honestly my whole world. She is my reason for existing. And she is absolutely thriving. She is in the 85th percentile for height and weight and a very smiley contented baby. 

I love her, I love her, I love her.

Week one

Week Two

Week Three

Week Four

Week Five

Week Six

Week Seven

Week Eight

Week Nine

That’s all for now.

I will try hard to update properly soon.

Sadie xx

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14 thoughts on “I’m still here (and photos!)

  1. These are lovely photos 🙂 dont feel bad about worrying about your baby i was like that worried about every little thing and still do its completely normal 🙂

    • Thank you! Right now my worrying is so intense she sleeps with a breathing monitor clipped to her nappy and her bed is right next to my bed but it’s gotten to the point I’m sleeping with the light on (or not sleeping at all) so that I can check on her constantly during the night. I know all mums do this with newborns but didn’t realise it would still be happening at 2 months old. When does that intense stressing stop?? (Haha or does it just keep going….?)

      • To be fair it sounds like you hsve a lot going on thats probably causing u to be over anxious. Firstly i would take the breathing moniter off her nappy they only make things worse. Take a deep breath and try take it night by nught. Otherwise youl make yourself ill. The worry doesnt ever go away im afraid but you do learn to relax a little 🙂

  2. She’s beautiful! Amazing work mamma! This shit is hard.
    Re Doug, I have 2 theories : 1) he was seeing this person before he left you (abhorrent but explains a lot) or 2) he had someone say to him “Say, did you see Sadie is pregnant?’, and bam, cue knee-jerk reaction (engagement & marriage)
    Ps beautiful photos too, especially the birth one!!

    • Oh I’m fully in the first camp. A few years before he left I caught him exchanging texts with a girl he’d gone to university with, arranging to take a sick day and meet in a hotel. It was right after we’d had a miscarriage so he cried and told me he wasn’t thinking straight and the grief made him do it. Seen as he’d never actually met up with her I did the whole forgive and forget thing. I totally suppressed the incident and went back to thinking he was Mr Perfect.

      Fast forward to years later when I was packing up our kitchen after I sold our house as part of the divorce and I found nail polish in the back of a kitchen drawer that didn’t belong to me. It looked like it had been thrown in there to hide it. I was so messed up from him leaving I convinced myself it was mine and I’d forgotten to buy it. Yet here we are just a year later and he’s already remarried so now I feel like I should have kept the nail polish and returned it to his new wife as a wedding gift…..

      • Mother fucker. And what a horrible person she must be too…they deserve each other. I wonder which of them will cheat first. Maybe send them a ‘Do Your Own Divorce’ kit as a wedding gift.
        Grrrr. He is SUCH an asshole! I know you love him but I think the person you love no longer exists. He’s been taken over by someone completely alien (kinda like the farmer in Men in Black).
        I’m sorry, Sadie. It still sucks but I truly believe it has made you stronger and you will be a better mother to H because of all you’ve been through and are still going through x

      • I agree 100%. The Doug in my head that I’m still emotionally attached to is a version of him that doesn’t exist anymore and likely didn’t exist for years. When he left I’d only just had a miscarriage. What would he have done if the pregnancy had been successful?! Left me and the baby or left her? It makes me sick to think about it.

        Also I totally just imagined Doug coming into the kitchen with his skin hanging off him and asking for a cup of water filled with sugar hahaha.

  3. She’s adorable!
    It will get better, it just takes time. Just keep going one day at time and before you know it she’ll be a year old and you’ll have a solid routine down and it will be wonderful. Just remember you’re doing the best you can and that’s all that matters.

    • Thank you! It’s horrible to wish away time and want her to get older but the sleep deprivation is so intense and the baby seems so fragile right now. Can you remember when things started to get easier?

      • Around three months things seem to get easier, your hormones will start to even out and Harriet will start sleeping longer (woohoo but still not through the night). Sleep deprivation is a bitch and it does things to you that you don’t understand until you’re living it.
        I hate to be a downer but you’re always going to worry about her. It won’t always be as intense but it will always be there-motherhood is lame like that. I chalk my worry up to what it took to get my kidos and I’m sure what you’ve gone has greatly impacted your fears of losing her.
        Also, she loves you! You’re her whole world, you’re her favorite person, you’re her everything. When things are extra shitty just remember that and hold on to it.
        One last thing-I give you mad props on continuing to breastfeed with all of that going on I would’ve quit in after a day!

  4. What a cute little girl! She’s ADORABLE! Great job! =D

    Being anxious is normal (babies seem to gather all the fears we’ve ever had in our lives!) regarding what you’ve been through but, if after another couple of weeks, it’s still so high, perhaps you should talk about it to a psychologist, to help you release all the negative and stressful thoughts. You coped with a lot in the past months, so maybe you need a benevolent and professionnal eye and that would help you put things into perspective. Sometimes, saying all those awful things / fears that cross our minds aloud to someone who will not judge us is just the right thing to do.

  5. Oh Sadie, she’s absolutely beautiful, I love that picture of her wrapped in the pink swaddle with the flowers. I’m sorry that motherhood has been so difficult so far. I hope things get easier and you’re able to enjoy your time with her ❤

  6. I just stumbled upon your blog and have spent the past couple hours devouring the archives. Your story is ADDICTING and at different points, I got chills, cried, and laughed. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and for taking the time to share. I don’t know why, but reading your blog makes me feel empowered and happy to be alive.

    Your daughter is gorgeous by the way! I had a friend who used to have irrational fears of her baby falling out of the car or out of a tall window (even though she lived on the ground floor) for the first few months, but she’s completely over it now. So hopefully there’s light at the end of the tunnel?

    • Thank you for the lovely feedback on my blog 🙂

      My fears definitely haven’t died down yet but here’s hoping! I don’t have the window fear but she’s not crawling yet so who’s to say I won’t develop it haha!

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